I watched P.S. with Laura Linney and Topher Grace today, and I had a deep emotional response to it. The ending annoyed me and left me hanging, but I still thought that the movie was beautiful.
Although my struggles have been nothing like those of the character Louise, I identified with her. Four years younger than her character is in the movie, I am as lost as she is. There are happy lives all around me - not perfect, but reasonably happy - yet for some reason a happy, normal life has slipped through my fingers. My failed marriage, the loss of a small fortune, the disease that took my hobbies and religious practices away from me and threatens to make working impossible for me...all of this came to pass while I was trying to be a good person. All of this came to pass as I saw friends in happy marriages, friends succeed at careers, friends who were content for no one reason in particular.
I know that justified self-pity is useless, and Louise seems to realize this toward the end of the movie. I hope that God will either change my circumstances or help me to have the spiritual strength that will help me to serve him despite of my string of small tragedies. I don't remember Louise ever asking, "Why me?" but her face silently asked the question throughout the entire film. I have to admit that my face is saying, "why me?", too, these days.
Allison's Theme Song
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Surely This Must Be My Fault
There's someone that I wanted to like me. She's not going to. I have tried to get her to like me every way that I know how, and it's not going to happen. I wish I could let her fade out of my life, but she's someone I have close contact with.
I keep thinking, what have I done wrong? What could I have done? Surely this must be my fault. In which area was I not good enough? What did I need to say? Who did I need to be? There are so many other people who like me that I must have made a big mistake with this person. What could it be? How did I fail?
I cried today when I realized that no matter how I behave, she just won't like me. There is a type of person she likes, and that person is not I. I am crushed. I know that whether she likes me or not is her business. I know she's entitled to like or dislike anyone she wants. But so many other people like me, and I tried so hard and failed, thus my heart is truly broken.
I think my biggest fear is that what she doesn't like about me is that I'm sick. I feel like I'm too much of a burden, that my good doesn't outweigh the trouble that comes with having a chronically sick friend. So in my view, she has judged me NOT WORTH IT.
Now that all of my smiles and nice comments seem to have gone into a landfill, I feel the need to shrink into my turtle shell so that I will no longer be hurt by her dislike of me. But at the same time, I want to avoid pettiness. I'm afraid that I won't fall on the right side of the line. I don't want to be a sulker, a sullen person. Yet what I REALLY REALLY REALLY don't want is my heart getting trampled on again.
A friend listened to me cry for 2 hours and wanted to offer me Christian advice. I didn't want to hear it. I think that means that I am so emotionally raw that I really need to nurture myself during this time of heartache and then come back to it later.
I keep thinking, what have I done wrong? What could I have done? Surely this must be my fault. In which area was I not good enough? What did I need to say? Who did I need to be? There are so many other people who like me that I must have made a big mistake with this person. What could it be? How did I fail?
I cried today when I realized that no matter how I behave, she just won't like me. There is a type of person she likes, and that person is not I. I am crushed. I know that whether she likes me or not is her business. I know she's entitled to like or dislike anyone she wants. But so many other people like me, and I tried so hard and failed, thus my heart is truly broken.
I think my biggest fear is that what she doesn't like about me is that I'm sick. I feel like I'm too much of a burden, that my good doesn't outweigh the trouble that comes with having a chronically sick friend. So in my view, she has judged me NOT WORTH IT.
Now that all of my smiles and nice comments seem to have gone into a landfill, I feel the need to shrink into my turtle shell so that I will no longer be hurt by her dislike of me. But at the same time, I want to avoid pettiness. I'm afraid that I won't fall on the right side of the line. I don't want to be a sulker, a sullen person. Yet what I REALLY REALLY REALLY don't want is my heart getting trampled on again.
A friend listened to me cry for 2 hours and wanted to offer me Christian advice. I didn't want to hear it. I think that means that I am so emotionally raw that I really need to nurture myself during this time of heartache and then come back to it later.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
I walk
Memories strike at my heart
with jagged blades
Memories stroke my cheek lightly
Then float away
I grab at them
But they are rising gases
My hands hold air
Empty
A motor is inside of me
Making me circle
Circle
Pills are as hot as fire
Move away
My heartbeat
Hurts like a screwdriver
Twisting
Tightening the pain
I walk
There is nowhere to go
My feet are bare
Scraped and cut
I walk
I walk
There is nowhere to go
with jagged blades
Memories stroke my cheek lightly
Then float away
I grab at them
But they are rising gases
My hands hold air
Empty
A motor is inside of me
Making me circle
Circle
Pills are as hot as fire
Move away
My heartbeat
Hurts like a screwdriver
Twisting
Tightening the pain
I walk
There is nowhere to go
My feet are bare
Scraped and cut
I walk
I walk
There is nowhere to go
Friday, May 1, 2009
Get Behind Me, Satan
Proverbs 7: 9
Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart,
and the pleasantness of one's friend springs from his earnest counsel.
I don't want to freak anyone out, but I have long suspected that my neck pain is something the Evil One uses to try to weaken my relationship with God. I have a legitimate diagnosis from a neurologist, but I become spiritually feeble whenever the pain gets really bad, and I know that the Evil One uses anything and everything he can to take our focus off of our loving savior, Jesus Christ.
I pray with one of my co-workers every morning, and when I expressed how poorly I felt, she actually reminded me of the fact that my worst attacks happen when I attend church or meet with my priest. She reminded me that I had already made the connection in the past between my spiritual outlook and severe pain, and she showed me that in my absorption with today's pain that I wasn't "thinking big."
God wants us to think big! God doesn't want me sitting at my desk thinking, "Oh, I'm so upset that I have this disease. I have to grit my teeth during the pain. It's going to be so hard to get through my workday." My co-worker suggested that I repeatedly say sharply, "Get behind me, Satan!" and treat this predicament as out and out spiritual warfare. She prayed that God would intercede for me and that Satan would see that his efforts to wear me out would only make me turn to God all the more.
So think BIG, Allison. You are at war! You are special to God, and the Evil One hates how special you are. He hates your love, trust and compassion. He doesn't want you to have any faith. He is in your life today with his scales and his horns and his ugly hooves, and you are going to chase him off - relentlessly!
I have already declared, "Get behind me, Satan!" several times and have prayed to my guardian angel and St. Michael to help get him away from me. My relationship with God is big, big, big! And I am so grateful for the earnest counsel of my friend and coworker who is truly living in God's will today and who was open to receiving and confessing the wisdom of the Lord this morning.
Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart,
and the pleasantness of one's friend springs from his earnest counsel.
I don't want to freak anyone out, but I have long suspected that my neck pain is something the Evil One uses to try to weaken my relationship with God. I have a legitimate diagnosis from a neurologist, but I become spiritually feeble whenever the pain gets really bad, and I know that the Evil One uses anything and everything he can to take our focus off of our loving savior, Jesus Christ.
I pray with one of my co-workers every morning, and when I expressed how poorly I felt, she actually reminded me of the fact that my worst attacks happen when I attend church or meet with my priest. She reminded me that I had already made the connection in the past between my spiritual outlook and severe pain, and she showed me that in my absorption with today's pain that I wasn't "thinking big."
God wants us to think big! God doesn't want me sitting at my desk thinking, "Oh, I'm so upset that I have this disease. I have to grit my teeth during the pain. It's going to be so hard to get through my workday." My co-worker suggested that I repeatedly say sharply, "Get behind me, Satan!" and treat this predicament as out and out spiritual warfare. She prayed that God would intercede for me and that Satan would see that his efforts to wear me out would only make me turn to God all the more.
So think BIG, Allison. You are at war! You are special to God, and the Evil One hates how special you are. He hates your love, trust and compassion. He doesn't want you to have any faith. He is in your life today with his scales and his horns and his ugly hooves, and you are going to chase him off - relentlessly!
I have already declared, "Get behind me, Satan!" several times and have prayed to my guardian angel and St. Michael to help get him away from me. My relationship with God is big, big, big! And I am so grateful for the earnest counsel of my friend and coworker who is truly living in God's will today and who was open to receiving and confessing the wisdom of the Lord this morning.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Imprisoned
Psalm 142: 7
Set me free from my prison,
that I may praise your name.
Then the righteous will gather about me
because of your goodness to me.
What is my prison? It's not my divorce. It's not the economy. My prison is the fear that bars me from having joy. My prison is the physical pain I feel from my neck disease or sometimes fear of the pain. Yesterday I was at Michele's Morsels http://michele-risingabove.blogspot.com/ reading about joy, and it made me sad that I am not a Christian full of praise and glory right now. As a matter of fact, I'm about to close my office door and weep a little.
I have nothing inspirational to say today. I'm a spiritual mess. I do have a prayer request: I'm about to start a new medication today that might help my neck. Please pray that if it is God's will that I am able to tolerate this medication and that it helps me. Thank you ~ Allison
Set me free from my prison,
that I may praise your name.
Then the righteous will gather about me
because of your goodness to me.
What is my prison? It's not my divorce. It's not the economy. My prison is the fear that bars me from having joy. My prison is the physical pain I feel from my neck disease or sometimes fear of the pain. Yesterday I was at Michele's Morsels http://michele-risingabove.blogspot.com/ reading about joy, and it made me sad that I am not a Christian full of praise and glory right now. As a matter of fact, I'm about to close my office door and weep a little.
I have nothing inspirational to say today. I'm a spiritual mess. I do have a prayer request: I'm about to start a new medication today that might help my neck. Please pray that if it is God's will that I am able to tolerate this medication and that it helps me. Thank you ~ Allison
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
My First Award!
I have been given an award for being real on the fantastic blog Just Be Real. Here it is! 
And here's a link to Real's fabulous blog http://justbereal77.blogspot.com/ . I admire Real a lot and am honored beyond belief : ) Allison
And here's a link to Real's fabulous blog http://justbereal77.blogspot.com/ . I admire Real a lot and am honored beyond belief : ) Allison
His Own Good Pleasure
Ephesians 1: 9-11
God has now revealed to us his mysterious plan regarding Christ, a plan to fulfill his own good pleasure. And this is the plan: At the right time he will bring everything together under the authority of Christ—everything in heaven and on earth. Furthermore, because we are united with Christ, we have received an inheritance from God, for he chose us in advance, and he makes everything work out according to his plan.
What a huge comfort this passage is. Although I'm in the middle of a divorce, my family only has the illusion of being broken because, at the right time, God will gather everything together for Christ's kingdom. And because I am united with Jesus, everything will work out according to God's divine plan. I keep on trying to meditate on God's love. That's the only thing that will see me through. The key seems to be meditate, meditate, meditate...pray, pray, pray
God has now revealed to us his mysterious plan regarding Christ, a plan to fulfill his own good pleasure. And this is the plan: At the right time he will bring everything together under the authority of Christ—everything in heaven and on earth. Furthermore, because we are united with Christ, we have received an inheritance from God, for he chose us in advance, and he makes everything work out according to his plan.
What a huge comfort this passage is. Although I'm in the middle of a divorce, my family only has the illusion of being broken because, at the right time, God will gather everything together for Christ's kingdom. And because I am united with Jesus, everything will work out according to God's divine plan. I keep on trying to meditate on God's love. That's the only thing that will see me through. The key seems to be meditate, meditate, meditate...pray, pray, pray
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Go Home To Your Friends
Mark 5: -15-20
And they came to Jesus and saw the demon-possessed man, the one who had had the legion, sitting there, clothed and in his right mind, and they were afraid. And those who had seen it described to them what had happened to the demon-possessed man and to the pigs. And they began to beg Jesus to depart from their region.
As he was getting into the boat, the man who had been possessed with demons begged him that he might be with him. And he did not permit him but said to him, "Go home to your friends and tell them how much the Lord has done for you, and how he has had mercy on you." And he went away and began to proclaim in the Decapolis how much Jesus had done for him, and everyone marveled.
I've had experiences where I felt like the Holy Spirit overpowered me and overflowed from inside of me. I've had incredible, indescribable encounters where I felt like I sensed a supernatural presence who had pure love for me. Of course I never wanted them to end.
I've felt like the healed man, running after Jesus and asking to be with him, to feel his presence forever. But instead he's told me to go home (that it's not time for me to be with him in eternity), and that I am to tell others that God has been good to me and has had mercy on me. It's true; God has been good to me. I can't fully list the times he's been merciful to me.
It's hard for me to proclaim that, though. Because there are grave problems in my life - a progressing divorce, an incurable disease, financial uncertainty - I fixate on those. I throw small prayers at the problems...."Jesus, I trust in you!"...."and try to believe that they are powerful prayers. I've been told by priests and books that they are, but believing on my own is something else. My task today is to keep praying those small prayers. It's all I can do.
And they came to Jesus and saw the demon-possessed man, the one who had had the legion, sitting there, clothed and in his right mind, and they were afraid. And those who had seen it described to them what had happened to the demon-possessed man and to the pigs. And they began to beg Jesus to depart from their region.
As he was getting into the boat, the man who had been possessed with demons begged him that he might be with him. And he did not permit him but said to him, "Go home to your friends and tell them how much the Lord has done for you, and how he has had mercy on you." And he went away and began to proclaim in the Decapolis how much Jesus had done for him, and everyone marveled.
I've had experiences where I felt like the Holy Spirit overpowered me and overflowed from inside of me. I've had incredible, indescribable encounters where I felt like I sensed a supernatural presence who had pure love for me. Of course I never wanted them to end.
I've felt like the healed man, running after Jesus and asking to be with him, to feel his presence forever. But instead he's told me to go home (that it's not time for me to be with him in eternity), and that I am to tell others that God has been good to me and has had mercy on me. It's true; God has been good to me. I can't fully list the times he's been merciful to me.
It's hard for me to proclaim that, though. Because there are grave problems in my life - a progressing divorce, an incurable disease, financial uncertainty - I fixate on those. I throw small prayers at the problems...."Jesus, I trust in you!"...."and try to believe that they are powerful prayers. I've been told by priests and books that they are, but believing on my own is something else. My task today is to keep praying those small prayers. It's all I can do.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Lousy, Lousy
Today has been a lousy day, a horrible day. My husband sends me depressing text messages, my workload is huge and I don't feel well.
I want to cry. I have cried. Today is a day that I wish had never happened.
I want to cry. I have cried. Today is a day that I wish had never happened.
A Fool
Proverbs 28: 26
Whoever trusts in his own mind is a fool,
but he who walks in wisdom will be delivered.
It's tempting to rely on my own mind. I'm going through a divorce, the medicine I take for my neck disease may be changed (and I worry the new regimen might not adequately treat the pain) and I feel called to go to law school, even though my neck problems are making me study for the entrance exam in an excruciatingly slow manner. My life is full of unknowns, and I'd like to be able to fix everything.
I can't, though. All of these issues have to be handed to God, and I need to keep praying, "Jesus, I trust in you!" I'm about to go meditate for a bit on God's goodness and his love for me. I hope I can walk in his wisdom instead of trying to control what I'm powerless over.
Whoever trusts in his own mind is a fool,
but he who walks in wisdom will be delivered.
It's tempting to rely on my own mind. I'm going through a divorce, the medicine I take for my neck disease may be changed (and I worry the new regimen might not adequately treat the pain) and I feel called to go to law school, even though my neck problems are making me study for the entrance exam in an excruciatingly slow manner. My life is full of unknowns, and I'd like to be able to fix everything.
I can't, though. All of these issues have to be handed to God, and I need to keep praying, "Jesus, I trust in you!" I'm about to go meditate for a bit on God's goodness and his love for me. I hope I can walk in his wisdom instead of trying to control what I'm powerless over.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
My Spirit Faints
Psalm 143: 2-6
Enter not into judgment with your servant,
for no one living is righteous before you.
For the enemy has pursued my soul;
he has crushed my life to the ground;
he has made me sit in darkness like those long dead.
Therefore my spirit faints within me;
my heart within me is appalled.
I remember the days of old;
I meditate on all that you have done;
I ponder the work of your hands.
I stretch out my hands to you;
my soul thirsts for you like a parched land.
As soon as I read this Psalm this morning, I realized that this line
For the enemy has pursued my soul....
describes what fear has done to my soul. Fear has been the enemy. Fear is what crushed me to the ground and led me into darkness. The last part of the Psalm is a reminder for me to contemplate God's goodness, not just in a passing thought but in deep, thorough meditation.
...my spirit faints within me....
I don't want my spirit to faint anymore. I am asking God to increase my faith.
Enter not into judgment with your servant,
for no one living is righteous before you.
For the enemy has pursued my soul;
he has crushed my life to the ground;
he has made me sit in darkness like those long dead.
Therefore my spirit faints within me;
my heart within me is appalled.
I remember the days of old;
I meditate on all that you have done;
I ponder the work of your hands.
I stretch out my hands to you;
my soul thirsts for you like a parched land.
As soon as I read this Psalm this morning, I realized that this line
For the enemy has pursued my soul....
describes what fear has done to my soul. Fear has been the enemy. Fear is what crushed me to the ground and led me into darkness. The last part of the Psalm is a reminder for me to contemplate God's goodness, not just in a passing thought but in deep, thorough meditation.
...my spirit faints within me....
I don't want my spirit to faint anymore. I am asking God to increase my faith.
Monday, April 20, 2009
I Know I Won't Grow Weary
Galatians 6:6-10
One who is taught the word must share all good things with the one who teaches. Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life. And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith.
I find this passage to be foreboding and reassuring at the same time. Automatically, my mind turns to all of my shortcomings and all of my sins. And yet the last time I went to confession, the priest promised me that I cared about doing the will of God and said I wouldn't be in the confessional if I weren't trying.
My favorite line is
And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.
I love this because it is easy to do good. It truly is. I usually do this in the form of intercessory prayers, kind interactions or refraining from speaking badly about persons when I'm tempted. I don't expect to grow weary or to give up. And what I want to reap is the perfect will of God, which I know will be best for me.
Let us do good to everyone...
I love it. Dear Jesus, please help me to be your little servant today. Thank you for the opportunity to pray with my co-worker this morning and entrust the people whom I know are suffering to you. I'm looking forward to doing good; you are invited to send opportunities my way.
One who is taught the word must share all good things with the one who teaches. Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life. And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith.
I find this passage to be foreboding and reassuring at the same time. Automatically, my mind turns to all of my shortcomings and all of my sins. And yet the last time I went to confession, the priest promised me that I cared about doing the will of God and said I wouldn't be in the confessional if I weren't trying.
My favorite line is
And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.
I love this because it is easy to do good. It truly is. I usually do this in the form of intercessory prayers, kind interactions or refraining from speaking badly about persons when I'm tempted. I don't expect to grow weary or to give up. And what I want to reap is the perfect will of God, which I know will be best for me.
Let us do good to everyone...
I love it. Dear Jesus, please help me to be your little servant today. Thank you for the opportunity to pray with my co-worker this morning and entrust the people whom I know are suffering to you. I'm looking forward to doing good; you are invited to send opportunities my way.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Mercy
I can't do much reading due to my neck disease, but I am enjoying Dave Earley's little book The 21 Most Effective Prayers of the Bible. This morning I read the chapter "The Prayer of the Tax Collector." I loved the explanation of how God did not listen to the prayer of the crowing Pharisee but instead answered the prayer of the shame-drenched tax collector who could only beat his breast and say, "God, have mercy on me, a sinner."
That is the prayer I have been saying this morning, a prayer of dependence, a prayer of powerlessness. I am comforted by Earley's belief that God loves this prayer of humility and helplessness. I have absolutely no power on my own; that I know.
That is the prayer I have been saying this morning, a prayer of dependence, a prayer of powerlessness. I am comforted by Earley's belief that God loves this prayer of humility and helplessness. I have absolutely no power on my own; that I know.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
A Light Uncovered
Mark 4:21-25
And he said to them, "Is a lamp brought in to be put under a basket, or under a bed, and not on a stand? For nothing is hidden except to be made manifest; nor is anything secret except to come to light. If anyone has ears to hear, let him hear." And he said to them, "Pay attention to what you hear: with the measure you use, it will be measured to you, and still more will be added to you. For to the one who has, more will be given, and from the one who has not, even what he has will be taken away."
I lived with my husband for more than 11 years. And in spite of my love for my husband, I placed my light, my spirit, under baskets, beds, anything that would hide the ugly parts of our marriage from the world. I had prayed about my marriage for years, but it kept getting worse as time passed. Finally, when my husband asked me to move out of our home, the light was uncovered. Once my entire marriage and my day to day existence were illuminated, I recoiled. I had thought that God had wanted me to stay by my husband's side forever, but I saw a truth that overwhelmed me.
In my marriage, I had completely lost myself. My anorexia was my last attempt at crying out, and I didn't even realize it was a cry for help. Feelings that had been hidden were suddenly manifested, and all of my secret fears seemed to be exposed. Finally, things I heard from others seemed to be the voice of the Holy Spirit guiding me in my reclaimed life. My life started over. Wife, interrupted.
As a Christian, I have a dilemma. I believe that God wants families to stay intact, yet he seemed to lead me out my marriage to save my life. So I focus on my relationship with Jesus each day, not understanding what God's doing with my life, just doing my best to live according to his will. And if there's something I'm doing wrong, it has to be that I'm not talking to Jesus enough. I'm not present enough; I'm trying to play God.
I think I worry about having to reinvent myself when instead what I can be doing is letting go and letting God restore me. All right, Allison, let go.
And he said to them, "Is a lamp brought in to be put under a basket, or under a bed, and not on a stand? For nothing is hidden except to be made manifest; nor is anything secret except to come to light. If anyone has ears to hear, let him hear." And he said to them, "Pay attention to what you hear: with the measure you use, it will be measured to you, and still more will be added to you. For to the one who has, more will be given, and from the one who has not, even what he has will be taken away."
I lived with my husband for more than 11 years. And in spite of my love for my husband, I placed my light, my spirit, under baskets, beds, anything that would hide the ugly parts of our marriage from the world. I had prayed about my marriage for years, but it kept getting worse as time passed. Finally, when my husband asked me to move out of our home, the light was uncovered. Once my entire marriage and my day to day existence were illuminated, I recoiled. I had thought that God had wanted me to stay by my husband's side forever, but I saw a truth that overwhelmed me.
In my marriage, I had completely lost myself. My anorexia was my last attempt at crying out, and I didn't even realize it was a cry for help. Feelings that had been hidden were suddenly manifested, and all of my secret fears seemed to be exposed. Finally, things I heard from others seemed to be the voice of the Holy Spirit guiding me in my reclaimed life. My life started over. Wife, interrupted.
As a Christian, I have a dilemma. I believe that God wants families to stay intact, yet he seemed to lead me out my marriage to save my life. So I focus on my relationship with Jesus each day, not understanding what God's doing with my life, just doing my best to live according to his will. And if there's something I'm doing wrong, it has to be that I'm not talking to Jesus enough. I'm not present enough; I'm trying to play God.
I think I worry about having to reinvent myself when instead what I can be doing is letting go and letting God restore me. All right, Allison, let go.
Friday, April 17, 2009
He Who Stiffens His Neck
Proverbs 29
He who is often reproved, yet stiffens his neck,
will suddenly be broken beyond healing.
My world changed in 2007 when I woke up with viral meningitis and a stiff neck that never went away. This passage spoke to me even though I don't think he sent my neck disease as a punishment. The words appealed to me because I was full of self-will and self-loathing when I contracted my neurological condition, and it is incurable...broken beyond healing.
Often it seems like I'm broken in other ways. I feel broken emotionally and spiritually, but I also feel that God is strengthening those vulnerable areas right now. There are cures: love, trust and faith.
He who is often reproved, yet stiffens his neck,
will suddenly be broken beyond healing.
My world changed in 2007 when I woke up with viral meningitis and a stiff neck that never went away. This passage spoke to me even though I don't think he sent my neck disease as a punishment. The words appealed to me because I was full of self-will and self-loathing when I contracted my neurological condition, and it is incurable...broken beyond healing.
Often it seems like I'm broken in other ways. I feel broken emotionally and spiritually, but I also feel that God is strengthening those vulnerable areas right now. There are cures: love, trust and faith.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
More Warm, Weightless Hugs
I'm feeling grateful today, grateful that I feel like I've gotten such clear guidance from the Holy Spirit. I had a decision to make, and God seemed to show me in three different ways what he wanted me to do. I will do it. I am smiling huge, genuine smiles this morning, and it's all due to the fact that I feel like I'm right where God wants me to be. After years of hearing silence, after years of thinking God wasn't showing me the right path, this burst of guidance turned into wisdom truly warms my soul.
I am also exquisitely happy because my father has been growing closer and closer to God over the past several years, and has begun attending church again despite the fact that more than 20 years went by without his going. He has recently had mystical experiences where he could actually feel himself enveloped in Christ's love. The same thing has happened to me, and when I asked him if it felt like a warm, weightless hug, he said, "That's a very good way to describe it."
The reason it gives me such joy that my father has this renewed relationship with Christ is not just that it's enormously significant but is also due to the fact that my dad credits me with his return to God! One day I gave him a set of rosary beads even though he's not Catholic, and he said receiving the rosary beads started his journey back to Christ. He believes he's seen miracles in his life since he resumed his relationship. The fact that I had a tiny part in this magnificent return to faith makes me feel all the more loved by God.
So today is a wonderful day, despite the problems that exist in the here and now and the ones that lurk in the future. I won't let the Evil One scare me today. I will turn to Christ and say, "Jesus, I trust in you!"
I am also exquisitely happy because my father has been growing closer and closer to God over the past several years, and has begun attending church again despite the fact that more than 20 years went by without his going. He has recently had mystical experiences where he could actually feel himself enveloped in Christ's love. The same thing has happened to me, and when I asked him if it felt like a warm, weightless hug, he said, "That's a very good way to describe it."
The reason it gives me such joy that my father has this renewed relationship with Christ is not just that it's enormously significant but is also due to the fact that my dad credits me with his return to God! One day I gave him a set of rosary beads even though he's not Catholic, and he said receiving the rosary beads started his journey back to Christ. He believes he's seen miracles in his life since he resumed his relationship. The fact that I had a tiny part in this magnificent return to faith makes me feel all the more loved by God.
So today is a wonderful day, despite the problems that exist in the here and now and the ones that lurk in the future. I won't let the Evil One scare me today. I will turn to Christ and say, "Jesus, I trust in you!"
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Things On My Mind
I miss the friend I said goodbye to, even though I still know the friendship was defective and that I'm better off without it.
I'm tired. I wake up at around 5:30 to go to work.
My neck hurts, and I hate having a neurological disease.
My STBX wants to reconcile with me, and he doesn't understand that I'm intimidated by him. How can we reconcile if I'm afraid to show him any of my feelings?
I want to go to AA/Al-Anon meetings, but my parents drive me everywhere and I hate to ask them to drive me somewhere else.
My STBX thinks I get a huge high from my pain medicine and doesn't understand that I barely feel it at all after being on it for 16+ months.
I want to attack the LSAT but can only study a few pages a night due to my neck.
I'm lonely. I don't know what I want to cure my loneliness, but I just am.
I realized today that I've barely spent any time with God today. That changes now. I'm off to talk to Jesus.
Can I say one more time that I miss my dysfunctional friendship? But I'll get over it.. The band-aid has been ripped off, and God will send me true friends.
My STBX has made plans for me to change all of my medications. He will control me or try to control me as long as I'm alive.
STBX has hurt me this week, in his words and in his texts, and I'm mad that I keep getting hurt. When will I learn?
I had a very productive session with my psychologist today and a very revealing heart-to-heart with a friend. I might blog about what we talked about tomorrow.
Okay...NOW I'm off to talk to God.
I'm tired. I wake up at around 5:30 to go to work.
My neck hurts, and I hate having a neurological disease.
My STBX wants to reconcile with me, and he doesn't understand that I'm intimidated by him. How can we reconcile if I'm afraid to show him any of my feelings?
I want to go to AA/Al-Anon meetings, but my parents drive me everywhere and I hate to ask them to drive me somewhere else.
My STBX thinks I get a huge high from my pain medicine and doesn't understand that I barely feel it at all after being on it for 16+ months.
I want to attack the LSAT but can only study a few pages a night due to my neck.
I'm lonely. I don't know what I want to cure my loneliness, but I just am.
I realized today that I've barely spent any time with God today. That changes now. I'm off to talk to Jesus.
Can I say one more time that I miss my dysfunctional friendship? But I'll get over it.. The band-aid has been ripped off, and God will send me true friends.
My STBX has made plans for me to change all of my medications. He will control me or try to control me as long as I'm alive.
STBX has hurt me this week, in his words and in his texts, and I'm mad that I keep getting hurt. When will I learn?
I had a very productive session with my psychologist today and a very revealing heart-to-heart with a friend. I might blog about what we talked about tomorrow.
Okay...NOW I'm off to talk to God.
A Friendship Ended
Galatians 5:13-15
For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: "You shall love your neighbor as yourself." But if you bite and devour one another, watch out that you are not consumed by one another.
Yesterday, as humbly as I could, I ended a friendship that was unhealthy for me. I have a huge support network of friends who care deeply about me and continue to be concerned - not just about my divorce but about my physical problems as well.
This other friendship felt like it was based on pity. There was something wrong with it. The person promised to be there, promised to be a good listener, promised to be someone I could lean on. Yet I felt like I initiated all of the contact and always felt like said friend would rather be anywhere than with me. Do you ever have the feeling a friend stays with you out of a sense of duty? It doesn't feel good. There's no give and take. There's no bonding. There's no fun. And no matter how tragic one person's circumstances are, a real friendship has to include the possibility of fun.
So I called the friend and said (paraphrasing) "Thank you for trying to be there for me, but this isn't working. I feel like you're my friend out of pity. I don't feel like you enjoy my company. I don't think our friendship has any substance. I wanted it to, but it just doesn't."
I need more than half of a friend right now. I need more than 75% of a friend right now. I need someone who can give me 95% of themselves when we're together and not have to force it. I need to be with someone who gives out huge, spontaneous doses of friendship instead of carefully controlled dribs and drabs. I can't handle parsed words; if you can't be with me and be yourself, don't be with me.
I am sure I completely confused my friend yesterday when I said my farewells. And it's not really fair - a friend should get MORE credit for sticking by you out of a sense of duty. I think we'll both feel better, though, now that our dysfunctional friendship has been laid to rest. I cried before and after I called to say goodbye. I had the intense feeling of ditching something that seemed necessary, like a life boat or an I.V. or a warm enough coat. But Jesus cloaks us with something new when we strip ourselves bare. He is in the process now of replacing the non-functioning friendship with love in a different form, and his craftsmanship is good. The end of the lie is good for both of us.
Goodbye, friend. I doubt you care enough deep down inside to come read this and check up on me, but if I'm wrong, I apologize. And for the times that we did talk, well...thank you for trying.
For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: "You shall love your neighbor as yourself." But if you bite and devour one another, watch out that you are not consumed by one another.
Yesterday, as humbly as I could, I ended a friendship that was unhealthy for me. I have a huge support network of friends who care deeply about me and continue to be concerned - not just about my divorce but about my physical problems as well.
This other friendship felt like it was based on pity. There was something wrong with it. The person promised to be there, promised to be a good listener, promised to be someone I could lean on. Yet I felt like I initiated all of the contact and always felt like said friend would rather be anywhere than with me. Do you ever have the feeling a friend stays with you out of a sense of duty? It doesn't feel good. There's no give and take. There's no bonding. There's no fun. And no matter how tragic one person's circumstances are, a real friendship has to include the possibility of fun.
So I called the friend and said (paraphrasing) "Thank you for trying to be there for me, but this isn't working. I feel like you're my friend out of pity. I don't feel like you enjoy my company. I don't think our friendship has any substance. I wanted it to, but it just doesn't."
I need more than half of a friend right now. I need more than 75% of a friend right now. I need someone who can give me 95% of themselves when we're together and not have to force it. I need to be with someone who gives out huge, spontaneous doses of friendship instead of carefully controlled dribs and drabs. I can't handle parsed words; if you can't be with me and be yourself, don't be with me.
I am sure I completely confused my friend yesterday when I said my farewells. And it's not really fair - a friend should get MORE credit for sticking by you out of a sense of duty. I think we'll both feel better, though, now that our dysfunctional friendship has been laid to rest. I cried before and after I called to say goodbye. I had the intense feeling of ditching something that seemed necessary, like a life boat or an I.V. or a warm enough coat. But Jesus cloaks us with something new when we strip ourselves bare. He is in the process now of replacing the non-functioning friendship with love in a different form, and his craftsmanship is good. The end of the lie is good for both of us.
Goodbye, friend. I doubt you care enough deep down inside to come read this and check up on me, but if I'm wrong, I apologize. And for the times that we did talk, well...thank you for trying.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Tears
When you want something
And you can't have it
When you thought you had something
But it was a facade
It took all of your energy to maintain
When your desperation clutches at you
And wins
The tears come
The tears come
When you lay yourself bare
To the threats
And the swipes
When you lie next to emptiness
In a space without love
The tears come
The tears come
When you dare to need
And you dare to speak
And the answer is
Sorry
And you knew it would be
The tears come
The tears come
Some things
Should not be needed
Some things should not be said
But you grasp at the world
And tears come
And tears come
You lie there exposed
No hurts still concealed
You might get a smile
You might get a hug
But tears come
But tears come
No contact, no contact
So easy to say
So hard to pull out
The knife
Just let yourself bleed
Let tears come
Let tears come
It can't get worse
Than what it is now
It can't get worse
Than what it was then
You rip off the ungodly
And tears come
And tears come
And you can't have it
When you thought you had something
But it was a facade
It took all of your energy to maintain
When your desperation clutches at you
And wins
The tears come
The tears come
When you lay yourself bare
To the threats
And the swipes
When you lie next to emptiness
In a space without love
The tears come
The tears come
When you dare to need
And you dare to speak
And the answer is
Sorry
And you knew it would be
The tears come
The tears come
Some things
Should not be needed
Some things should not be said
But you grasp at the world
And tears come
And tears come
You lie there exposed
No hurts still concealed
You might get a smile
You might get a hug
But tears come
But tears come
No contact, no contact
So easy to say
So hard to pull out
The knife
Just let yourself bleed
Let tears come
Let tears come
It can't get worse
Than what it is now
It can't get worse
Than what it was then
You rip off the ungodly
And tears come
And tears come
Those Who Are Sick
Mark 2:15-17
And as he reclined at table in his house, many tax collectors and sinners were reclining with Jesus and his disciples, for there were many who followed him. And the scribes of the Pharisees, when they saw that he was eating with sinners and tax collectors, said to his disciples, "Why does he eat with tax collectors and sinners?" And when Jesus heard it, he said to them, "Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I came not to call the righteous, but sinners."
I love this passage since I sometimes feel unworthy even to talk to Jesus. This is a good reminder to me that he craves a relationship with those who need a spiritual transformation the most.
Be my physician, Jesus. I need you.
And as he reclined at table in his house, many tax collectors and sinners were reclining with Jesus and his disciples, for there were many who followed him. And the scribes of the Pharisees, when they saw that he was eating with sinners and tax collectors, said to his disciples, "Why does he eat with tax collectors and sinners?" And when Jesus heard it, he said to them, "Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I came not to call the righteous, but sinners."
I love this passage since I sometimes feel unworthy even to talk to Jesus. This is a good reminder to me that he craves a relationship with those who need a spiritual transformation the most.
Be my physician, Jesus. I need you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)