Allison Rhodes, High-Maintenance Believer

P.S.

2009-05-09T14:54:00.001-07:00

I watched P.S. with Laura Linney and Topher Grace today, and I had a deep emotional response to it. The ending annoyed me and left me hanging, but I still thought that the movie was beautiful.

Although my struggles have been nothing like those of the character Louise, I identified with her. Four years younger than her character is in the movie, I am as lost as she is. There are happy lives all around me - not perfect, but reasonably happy - yet for some reason a happy, normal life has slipped through my fingers. My failed marriage, the loss of a small fortune, the disease that took my hobbies and religious practices away from me and threatens to make working impossible for me...all of this came to pass while I was trying to be a good person. All of this came to pass as I saw friends in happy marriages, friends succeed at careers, friends who were content for no one reason in particular.

I know that justified self-pity is useless, and Louise seems to realize this toward the end of the movie. I hope that God will either change my circumstances or help me to have the spiritual strength that will help me to serve him despite of my string of small tragedies. I don't remember Louise ever asking, "Why me?" but her face silently asked the question throughout the entire film. I have to admit that my face is saying, "why me?", too, these days.

Surely This Must Be My Fault

2009-05-05T09:29:00.000-07:00

There's someone that I wanted to like me. She's not going to. I have tried to get her to like me every way that I know how, and it's not going to happen. I wish I could let her fade out of my life, but she's someone I have close contact with.

I keep thinking, what have I done wrong? What could I have done? Surely this must be my fault. In which area was I not good enough? What did I need to say? Who did I need to be? There are so many other people who like me that I must have made a big mistake with this person. What could it be? How did I fail?

I cried today when I realized that no matter how I behave, she just won't like me. There is a type of person she likes, and that person is not I. I am crushed. I know that whether she likes me or not is her business. I know she's entitled to like or dislike anyone she wants. But so many other people like me, and I tried so hard and failed, thus my heart is truly broken.

I think my biggest fear is that what she doesn't like about me is that I'm sick. I feel like I'm too much of a burden, that my good doesn't outweigh the trouble that comes with having a chronically sick friend. So in my view, she has judged me NOT WORTH IT.

Now that all of my smiles and nice comments seem to have gone into a landfill, I feel the need to shrink into my turtle shell so that I will no longer be hurt by her dislike of me. But at the same time, I want to avoid pettiness. I'm afraid that I won't fall on the right side of the line. I don't want to be a sulker, a sullen person. Yet what I REALLY REALLY REALLY don't want is my heart getting trampled on again.

A friend listened to me cry for 2 hours and wanted to offer me Christian advice. I didn't want to hear it. I think that means that I am so emotionally raw that I really need to nurture myself during this time of heartache and then come back to it later.

I walk

2009-05-02T08:17:00.000-07:00

Memories strike at my heart
with jagged blades
Memories stroke my cheek lightly
Then float away
I grab at them
But they are rising gases
My hands hold air
Empty
A motor is inside of me
Making me circle
Circle
Pills are as hot as fire
Move away
My heartbeat
Hurts like a screwdriver
Twisting
Tightening the pain
I walk
There is nowhere to go
My feet are bare
Scraped and cut
I walk
I walk
There is nowhere to go

Get Behind Me, Satan

2009-05-01T06:20:00.000-07:00

Proverbs 7: 9

Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart,
and the pleasantness of one's friend springs from his earnest counsel.

I don't want to freak anyone out, but I have long suspected that my neck pain is something the Evil One uses to try to weaken my relationship with God. I have a legitimate diagnosis from a neurologist, but I become spiritually feeble whenever the pain gets really bad, and I know that the Evil One uses anything and everything he can to take our focus off of our loving savior, Jesus Christ.

I pray with one of my co-workers every morning, and when I expressed how poorly I felt, she actually reminded me of the fact that my worst attacks happen when I attend church or meet with my priest. She reminded me that I had already made the connection in the past between my spiritual outlook and severe pain, and she showed me that in my absorption with today's pain that I wasn't "thinking big."

God wants us to think big! God doesn't want me sitting at my desk thinking, "Oh, I'm so upset that I have this disease. I have to grit my teeth during the pain. It's going to be so hard to get through my workday." My co-worker suggested that I repeatedly say sharply, "Get behind me, Satan!" and treat this predicament as out and out spiritual warfare. She prayed that God would intercede for me and that Satan would see that his efforts to wear me out would only make me turn to God all the more.

So think BIG, Allison. You are at war! You are special to God, and the Evil One hates how special you are. He hates your love, trust and compassion. He doesn't want you to have any faith. He is in your life today with his scales and his horns and his ugly hooves, and you are going to chase him off - relentlessly!

I have already declared, "Get behind me, Satan!" several times and have prayed to my guardian angel and St. Michael to help get him away from me. My relationship with God is big, big, big! And I am so grateful for the earnest counsel of my friend and coworker who is truly living in God's will today and who was open to receiving and confessing the wisdom of the Lord this morning.

Imprisoned

2009-04-29T08:58:00.000-07:00

Psalm 142: 7

Set me free from my prison,
that I may praise your name.
Then the righteous will gather about me
because of your goodness to me.

What is my prison? It's not my divorce. It's not the economy. My prison is the fear that bars me from having joy. My prison is the physical pain I feel from my neck disease or sometimes fear of the pain. Yesterday I was at Michele's Morsels http://michele-risingabove.blogspot.com/ reading about joy, and it made me sad that I am not a Christian full of praise and glory right now. As a matter of fact, I'm about to close my office door and weep a little.

I have nothing inspirational to say today. I'm a spiritual mess. I do have a prayer request: I'm about to start a new medication today that might help my neck. Please pray that if it is God's will that I am able to tolerate this medication and that it helps me. Thank you ~ Allison

My First Award!

2009-04-28T17:56:00.000-07:00

I have been given an award for being real on the fantastic blog Just Be Real. Here it is!

And here's a link to Real's fabulous blog http://justbereal77.blogspot.com/ . I admire Real a lot and am honored beyond belief : ) Allison

His Own Good Pleasure

2009-04-28T08:52:00.000-07:00

Ephesians 1: 9-11

God has now revealed to us his mysterious plan regarding Christ, a plan to fulfill his own good pleasure. And this is the plan: At the right time he will bring everything together under the authority of Christ—everything in heaven and on earth. Furthermore, because we are united with Christ, we have received an inheritance from God, for he chose us in advance, and he makes everything work out according to his plan.

What a huge comfort this passage is. Although I'm in the middle of a divorce, my family only has the illusion of being broken because, at the right time, God will gather everything together for Christ's kingdom. And because I am united with Jesus, everything will work out according to God's divine plan. I keep on trying to meditate on God's love. That's the only thing that will see me through. The key seems to be meditate, meditate, meditate...pray, pray, pray

Go Home To Your Friends

2009-04-26T14:12:00.000-07:00

Mark 5: -15-20

And they came to Jesus and saw the demon-possessed man, the one who had had the legion, sitting there, clothed and in his right mind, and they were afraid. And those who had seen it described to them what had happened to the demon-possessed man and to the pigs. And they began to beg Jesus to depart from their region.

As he was getting into the boat, the man who had been possessed with demons begged him that he might be with him. And he did not permit him but said to him, "Go home to your friends and tell them how much the Lord has done for you, and how he has had mercy on you." And he went away and began to proclaim in the Decapolis how much Jesus had done for him, and everyone marveled.

I've had experiences where I felt like the Holy Spirit overpowered me and overflowed from inside of me. I've had incredible, indescribable encounters where I felt like I sensed a supernatural presence who had pure love for me. Of course I never wanted them to end.

I've felt like the healed man, running after Jesus and asking to be with him, to feel his presence forever. But instead he's told me to go home (that it's not time for me to be with him in eternity), and that I am to tell others that God has been good to me and has had mercy on me. It's true; God has been good to me. I can't fully list the times he's been merciful to me.

It's hard for me to proclaim that, though. Because there are grave problems in my life - a progressing divorce, an incurable disease, financial uncertainty - I fixate on those. I throw small prayers at the problems...."Jesus, I trust in you!"...."and try to believe that they are powerful prayers. I've been told by priests and books that they are, but believing on my own is something else. My task today is to keep praying those small prayers. It's all I can do.

Lousy, Lousy

2009-04-23T13:41:00.001-07:00

Today has been a lousy day, a horrible day. My husband sends me depressing text messages, my workload is huge and I don't feel well.

I want to cry. I have cried. Today is a day that I wish had never happened.

A Fool

2009-04-23T08:45:00.000-07:00

Proverbs 28: 26

Whoever trusts in his own mind is a fool,
but he who walks in wisdom will be delivered.

It's tempting to rely on my own mind. I'm going through a divorce, the medicine I take for my neck disease may be changed (and I worry the new regimen might not adequately treat the pain) and I feel called to go to law school, even though my neck problems are making me study for the entrance exam in an excruciatingly slow manner. My life is full of unknowns, and I'd like to be able to fix everything.

I can't, though. All of these issues have to be handed to God, and I need to keep praying, "Jesus, I trust in you!" I'm about to go meditate for a bit on God's goodness and his love for me. I hope I can walk in his wisdom instead of trying to control what I'm powerless over.

My Spirit Faints

2009-04-21T08:53:00.000-07:00

Psalm 143: 2-6

Enter not into judgment with your servant,
for no one living is righteous before you.
For the enemy has pursued my soul;
he has crushed my life to the ground;
he has made me sit in darkness like those long dead.
Therefore my spirit faints within me;
my heart within me is appalled.
I remember the days of old;
I meditate on all that you have done;
I ponder the work of your hands.
I stretch out my hands to you;
my soul thirsts for you like a parched land.

As soon as I read this Psalm this morning, I realized that this line

For the enemy has pursued my soul....

describes what fear has done to my soul. Fear has been the enemy. Fear is what crushed me to the ground and led me into darkness. The last part of the Psalm is a reminder for me to contemplate God's goodness, not just in a passing thought but in deep, thorough meditation.

...my spirit faints within me....

I don't want my spirit to faint anymore. I am asking God to increase my faith.

I Know I Won't Grow Weary

2009-04-20T09:52:00.000-07:00

Galatians 6:6-10

One who is taught the word must share all good things with the one who teaches. Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life. And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. So then, as we have opportunity, let us do good to everyone, and especially to those who are of the household of faith.

I find this passage to be foreboding and reassuring at the same time. Automatically, my mind turns to all of my shortcomings and all of my sins. And yet the last time I went to confession, the priest promised me that I cared about doing the will of God and said I wouldn't be in the confessional if I weren't trying.

My favorite line is

And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up.

I love this because it is easy to do good. It truly is. I usually do this in the form of intercessory prayers, kind interactions or refraining from speaking badly about persons when I'm tempted. I don't expect to grow weary or to give up. And what I want to reap is the perfect will of God, which I know will be best for me.

Let us do good to everyone...

I love it. Dear Jesus, please help me to be your little servant today. Thank you for the opportunity to pray with my co-worker this morning and entrust the people whom I know are suffering to you. I'm looking forward to doing good; you are invited to send opportunities my way.

Mercy

2009-04-19T08:48:00.000-07:00

I can't do much reading due to my neck disease, but I am enjoying Dave Earley's little book The 21 Most Effective Prayers of the Bible. This morning I read the chapter "The Prayer of the Tax Collector." I loved the explanation of how God did not listen to the prayer of the crowing Pharisee but instead answered the prayer of the shame-drenched tax collector who could only beat his breast and say, "God, have mercy on me, a sinner."

That is the prayer I have been saying this morning, a prayer of dependence, a prayer of powerlessness. I am comforted by Earley's belief that God loves this prayer of humility and helplessness. I have absolutely no power on my own; that I know.

A Light Uncovered

2009-04-18T14:39:00.000-07:00

Mark 4:21-25

And he said to them, "Is a lamp brought in to be put under a basket, or under a bed, and not on a stand? For nothing is hidden except to be made manifest; nor is anything secret except to come to light. If anyone has ears to hear, let him hear." And he said to them, "Pay attention to what you hear: with the measure you use, it will be measured to you, and still more will be added to you. For to the one who has, more will be given, and from the one who has not, even what he has will be taken away."

I lived with my husband for more than 11 years. And in spite of my love for my husband, I placed my light, my spirit, under baskets, beds, anything that would hide the ugly parts of our marriage from the world. I had prayed about my marriage for years, but it kept getting worse as time passed. Finally, when my husband asked me to move out of our home, the light was uncovered. Once my entire marriage and my day to day existence were illuminated, I recoiled. I had thought that God had wanted me to stay by my husband's side forever, but I saw a truth that overwhelmed me.

In my marriage, I had completely lost myself. My anorexia was my last attempt at crying out, and I didn't even realize it was a cry for help. Feelings that had been hidden were suddenly manifested, and all of my secret fears seemed to be exposed. Finally, things I heard from others seemed to be the voice of the Holy Spirit guiding me in my reclaimed life. My life started over. Wife, interrupted.

As a Christian, I have a dilemma. I believe that God wants families to stay intact, yet he seemed to lead me out my marriage to save my life. So I focus on my relationship with Jesus each day, not understanding what God's doing with my life, just doing my best to live according to his will. And if there's something I'm doing wrong, it has to be that I'm not talking to Jesus enough. I'm not present enough; I'm trying to play God.

I think I worry about having to reinvent myself when instead what I can be doing is letting go and letting God restore me. All right, Allison, let go.

He Who Stiffens His Neck

2009-04-17T07:39:00.000-07:00

Proverbs 29

He who is often reproved, yet stiffens his neck,
will suddenly be broken beyond healing.

My world changed in 2007 when I woke up with viral meningitis and a stiff neck that never went away. This passage spoke to me even though I don't think he sent my neck disease as a punishment. The words appealed to me because I was full of self-will and self-loathing when I contracted my neurological condition, and it is incurable...broken beyond healing.

Often it seems like I'm broken in other ways. I feel broken emotionally and spiritually, but I also feel that God is strengthening those vulnerable areas right now. There are cures: love, trust and faith.

More Warm, Weightless Hugs

2009-04-15T06:56:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling grateful today, grateful that I feel like I've gotten such clear guidance from the Holy Spirit. I had a decision to make, and God seemed to show me in three different ways what he wanted me to do. I will do it. I am smiling huge, genuine smiles this morning, and it's all due to the fact that I feel like I'm right where God wants me to be. After years of hearing silence, after years of thinking God wasn't showing me the right path, this burst of guidance turned into wisdom truly warms my soul.

I am also exquisitely happy because my father has been growing closer and closer to God over the past several years, and has begun attending church again despite the fact that more than 20 years went by without his going. He has recently had mystical experiences where he could actually feel himself enveloped in Christ's love. The same thing has happened to me, and when I asked him if it felt like a warm, weightless hug, he said, "That's a very good way to describe it."

The reason it gives me such joy that my father has this renewed relationship with Christ is not just that it's enormously significant but is also due to the fact that my dad credits me with his return to God! One day I gave him a set of rosary beads even though he's not Catholic, and he said receiving the rosary beads started his journey back to Christ. He believes he's seen miracles in his life since he resumed his relationship. The fact that I had a tiny part in this magnificent return to faith makes me feel all the more loved by God.

So today is a wonderful day, despite the problems that exist in the here and now and the ones that lurk in the future. I won't let the Evil One scare me today. I will turn to Christ and say, "Jesus, I trust in you!"

Things On My Mind

2009-04-14T19:17:00.001-07:00

I miss the friend I said goodbye to, even though I still know the friendship was defective and that I'm better off without it.

I'm tired. I wake up at around 5:30 to go to work.

My neck hurts, and I hate having a neurological disease.

My STBX wants to reconcile with me, and he doesn't understand that I'm intimidated by him. How can we reconcile if I'm afraid to show him any of my feelings?

I want to go to AA/Al-Anon meetings, but my parents drive me everywhere and I hate to ask them to drive me somewhere else.

My STBX thinks I get a huge high from my pain medicine and doesn't understand that I barely feel it at all after being on it for 16+ months.

I want to attack the LSAT but can only study a few pages a night due to my neck.

I'm lonely. I don't know what I want to cure my loneliness, but I just am.

I realized today that I've barely spent any time with God today. That changes now. I'm off to talk to Jesus.

Can I say one more time that I miss my dysfunctional friendship? But I'll get over it.. The band-aid has been ripped off, and God will send me true friends.

My STBX has made plans for me to change all of my medications. He will control me or try to control me as long as I'm alive.

STBX has hurt me this week, in his words and in his texts, and I'm mad that I keep getting hurt. When will I learn?

I had a very productive session with my psychologist today and a very revealing heart-to-heart with a friend. I might blog about what we talked about tomorrow.

Okay...NOW I'm off to talk to God.

A Friendship Ended

2009-04-14T06:51:00.000-07:00

Galatians 5:13-15

For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: "You shall love your neighbor as yourself." But if you bite and devour one another, watch out that you are not consumed by one another.

Yesterday, as humbly as I could, I ended a friendship that was unhealthy for me. I have a huge support network of friends who care deeply about me and continue to be concerned - not just about my divorce but about my physical problems as well.

This other friendship felt like it was based on pity. There was something wrong with it. The person promised to be there, promised to be a good listener, promised to be someone I could lean on. Yet I felt like I initiated all of the contact and always felt like said friend would rather be anywhere than with me. Do you ever have the feeling a friend stays with you out of a sense of duty? It doesn't feel good. There's no give and take. There's no bonding. There's no fun. And no matter how tragic one person's circumstances are, a real friendship has to include the possibility of fun.

So I called the friend and said (paraphrasing) "Thank you for trying to be there for me, but this isn't working. I feel like you're my friend out of pity. I don't feel like you enjoy my company. I don't think our friendship has any substance. I wanted it to, but it just doesn't."

I need more than half of a friend right now. I need more than 75% of a friend right now. I need someone who can give me 95% of themselves when we're together and not have to force it. I need to be with someone who gives out huge, spontaneous doses of friendship instead of carefully controlled dribs and drabs. I can't handle parsed words; if you can't be with me and be yourself, don't be with me.

I am sure I completely confused my friend yesterday when I said my farewells. And it's not really fair - a friend should get MORE credit for sticking by you out of a sense of duty. I think we'll both feel better, though, now that our dysfunctional friendship has been laid to rest. I cried before and after I called to say goodbye. I had the intense feeling of ditching something that seemed necessary, like a life boat or an I.V. or a warm enough coat. But Jesus cloaks us with something new when we strip ourselves bare. He is in the process now of replacing the non-functioning friendship with love in a different form, and his craftsmanship is good. The end of the lie is good for both of us.

Goodbye, friend. I doubt you care enough deep down inside to come read this and check up on me, but if I'm wrong, I apologize. And for the times that we did talk, well...thank you for trying.

Tears

2009-04-13T13:02:00.000-07:00

When you want something
And you can't have it
When you thought you had something
But it was a facade
It took all of your energy to maintain
When your desperation clutches at you
And wins
The tears come
The tears come

When you lay yourself bare
To the threats
And the swipes
When you lie next to emptiness
In a space without love
The tears come
The tears come

When you dare to need
And you dare to speak
And the answer is
Sorry
And you knew it would be
The tears come
The tears come

Some things
Should not be needed
Some things should not be said
But you grasp at the world
And tears come
And tears come

You lie there exposed
No hurts still concealed
You might get a smile
You might get a hug
But tears come
But tears come

No contact, no contact
So easy to say
So hard to pull out
The knife
Just let yourself bleed
Let tears come
Let tears come

It can't get worse
Than what it is now
It can't get worse
Than what it was then
You rip off the ungodly
And tears come
And tears come

Those Who Are Sick

2009-04-13T09:37:00.000-07:00

Mark 2:15-17

And as he reclined at table in his house, many tax collectors and sinners were reclining with Jesus and his disciples, for there were many who followed him. And the scribes of the Pharisees, when they saw that he was eating with sinners and tax collectors, said to his disciples, "Why does he eat with tax collectors and sinners?" And when Jesus heard it, he said to them, "Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I came not to call the righteous, but sinners."

I love this passage since I sometimes feel unworthy even to talk to Jesus. This is a good reminder to me that he craves a relationship with those who need a spiritual transformation the most.

Be my physician, Jesus. I need you.

Talks With Jesus

2009-04-12T15:18:00.000-07:00

The Notebooks of Nicole Gausseron have been an inspiration to me since I first discovered them in 2006. Although I had already had encounters with the Holy Spirit, a miraculous healing and a visit from the Virgin Mary in 2001, her notebooks have shown me Jesus in a way that I need, that I can't live without.

Over and over again, Jesus convinces Nicole of several things. Among them are

What is most important to Jesus is a personal relationship, a relationship entered into through prayer.
Suffering, or having to painfully see the suffering of others, is necessary to join Jesus on the cross. The relationship is found at the cross.
Nicole's duty, and I think my duty, is to inscribe those I love and worry about in my heart and entrust them to Jesus.
The present moment, moments spent with Jesus, are a piece of his eternity.

Now that I have gone to confession and received communion, I feel much more able to talk to him. I know that I could have talked to him at any time, but I let my sense of sin create a barrier.

There is no barrier now. We will have many heart-to-hearts, just as he told Nicole he desired. I am to speak to him as he spoke to his father. Not daunting now, but paralyzing when I felt the unworthiness I did before confession. Thank you, Jesus, for taking me to confession. I can feel you changing me, and I do want you to mold me.

On Their Beds

2009-04-12T09:02:00.000-07:00

Psalm 149:1-5

Praise the LORD!Sing to the LORD a new song,
his praise in the assembly of the godly!
Let Israel be glad in his Maker;
let the children of Zion rejoice in their King!
Let them praise his name with dancing,
making melody to him with tambourine and lyre!
For the LORD takes pleasure in his people;
he adorns the humble with salvation.
Let the godly exult in glory;
let them sing for joy on their beds.

As I pummel myself with guilt over having too much neck pain to attend Easter mass (I watched it on television), I also read the Bible, searching for something God may want to tell me. And I find this Psalm that says

Let the godly exult in glory;
let them sing for joy on their beds.

Bless you for this piece of consolation, Lod. I do sing with joy on my bed! I am so glad Christ is risen. Thank you for helping me not to hate myself for being afraid of being in pain at church. I'm so sorry; but at the same time, I know you understand.

A Sense Of The Unseen

2009-04-11T10:24:00.000-07:00

Corinthians 4:16-18

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

I received communion on Thursday night, but I am not going to Easter mass due to the pain in my neck. I am sad, and there is a tinge of guilt; however, I explained my reasons for not going to mass to the priest who gave me communion, and he did not admonish me to attend. He simply looked sad, too.

I am also what wonderful Christian author Claudia Mair-Burney calls a “Lenten Failure.” Here is a link to her fantastic blog post on the matter: http://ragamuffindiva.blogspot.com/2009/04/congratulations-lenten-failures.html

But Holy Week and Easter have transformed me in spite of my failures and despite the fact that I've succumbed to the hardship of my illness. I had been losing heart, but something is strengthening me. I do feel like I am being renewed. I feel like I'm receiving a sense of the unseen. The Holy Spirit seems to be dwelling in my heart, and I have a power beside me – sometimes in me – that I sense. I am not alone.

So I am grateful for this Easter experience, even though I am a Lenten Failure and an Easter Failure. I fell asleep while Jesus was praying at Gethsemane. I sinned, I withdrew. But I am glimpsing the eternal.

A Speck Of Trust On Good Friday

2009-04-10T11:58:00.000-07:00

Matthew 27:45-54

At noon, darkness fell across the whole land until three o’clock. At about three o’clock, Jesus called out with a loud voice, “Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?” which means “My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?” Some of the bystanders misunderstood and thought he was calling for the prophet Elijah. One of them ran and filled a sponge with sour wine, holding it up to him on a reed stick so he could drink. But the rest said, “Wait! Let’s see whether Elijah comes to save him.”

Then Jesus shouted out again, and he released his spirit. At that moment the curtain in the sanctuary of the Temple was torn in two, from top to bottom. The earth shook, rocks split apart, and tombs opened. The bodies of many godly men and women who had died were raised from the dead. They left the cemetery after Jesus’ resurrection, went into the holy city of Jerusalem, and appeared to many people. The Roman officer and the other soldiers at the crucifixion were terrified by the earthquake and all that had happened. They said, “This man truly was the Son of God!”

Today is Good Friday. I was so busy enjoying the relaxation and the prospect of a long weekend that I almost missed thinking about what Good Friday means.

Good Friday. Jesus died an agonizing death so horrific that no words can describe it, and he would have done it out of love just for me. I have the feeling that Jesus is with me today, in my heart. I received communion from the priest who counsels me yesterday, and I can almost feel the grace inside of me.

Maybe I can feel the grace inside of me. A few days ago I committed to trying to reconcile with my husband. I ask Jesus to be with me in this process although I know I'm really only supposed to live in the present moment. For there to be a chance of reconciliation at all he will have to face his cruelty toward me head on and try to change. I have my own faults and limitations to work on, but even if I were to conquer all of them through the grace of Christ, it wouldn't be enough. Jesus is telling me that he is with me today, to rest in him today, but it's hard knowing that this is the anniversary of his brutal death for me.

He cried out to his father, asking why he had been forsaken, but his sacrifice is supposed to be proof that I do not have to worry about what will happen to me in my life on earth. Let it be proof, Jesus. Let me hand you my worries and just be with you. But how can I ask you to do that after everything you went through for me? And this is the day it happened. This is the day.

I cried through my sleep last night and felt completely alone. Yet today I feel that Jesus was with me, offering me a type of comfort that I can't understand. I wonder if he was able to comfort the criminal being crucified beside him, or if the only comfort given was the uttered promise of paradise. Did the criminal feel his presence? Did he receive consolation? Or did the words, an absolute pledge of forgiveness and safe harbor, just seem like words?

You died for me, Jesus, and all I have to give you is my tiny bit of trust and time in my day to be with you. I can't believe that's all you need from me, but the spiritual reading I've done has convinced me of this. On this day of your gruesome death, I give you my heart and a speck of trust that is hard to surrender to you.

Bravo, Husband's Lawyer

2009-04-08T09:37:00.000-07:00

Bravo to you for finding the anonymous blog where I work out the emotional wounds I received during my marriage and try to find my inner wholeness again. Apparently you told him these postings were proof I was "sandbagging" him....expressing a desire for reconciliation meanwhile expressing to the rest of the world that I can't wait to be rid of my husband

Well you know what? You were wrong, and if I remember correctly, you have gone through a divorce yourself. You must not realize that blogging honestly about my divorce doesn't mean that I don't ever want my estranged husband back. I miss him so much that the whole reason I post negative things about him is to make sure I don't run back into his arms and have things end up in more of a mess than they already are.

I have issues, and he has extreme anger issues that would have to be worked out for us to live together in peace. I cry frequently because I miss my husband, and it's too bad this blog has him convinced that I'm two-faced.

TWO-HEARTED would be a better word. One heart aches for him violently, and the other heart remembers that I was desperately unhappy living with him at the end and that he never did admit in marriage counseling to being cruel frequently to me. I don't mean mad, I mean cruel. I felt like if he couldn't even admit to cruelty, there was no way he could try to stop the cycle.

This divorce is the hardest thing I've ever gone through, especially because I love my husband and want to see him happy. Congratulations for finding this and showing it to him. I'm surprised that you don't realize that divorce is an emotional rollercoaster and that what I post to keep myself going doesn't necessarily = no interest in reconciliation.

I continue to keep posting here, and you are welcome to update him at any time. All I ask is that you don't presume to know what I'm feeling. Allison

This List Must Be Made

2009-04-06T09:58:00.000-07:00

This started out as a blog about spirituality and chronic pain/illness, but since stress exacerbates the symptoms of my disease more than anything else, I guess I give myself permission to vent about my divorce.

Right now I am feeling so drawn in by STBX, so codependent and so scared that I'll run back to him that I need to write down a list of reasons why I don't really want to go back:

I let him control the television because he was so insulting about of all of my choices that I felt like I couldn't enjoy watching them. When you have an illness that makes it painful to read or journal, TV becomes pretty important.

He dominated the computer and kept promising to set up a network at our house but never did it. Why should he have? He got the computer whenever he wanted it. What was his motivation to let me get on the internet, too? Apparently there was none.

When he saw me doing PT exercises for my neck he would dogmatically tell me that walking and "getting my body moving" was the solution for my pain even though the spasmodic torticollis expert in America says that aerobic walking with a crooked neck is contraindicated.

He criticizes me for taking prescription painkillers yet at the same time will not go get a job so that I can rest my neck at home.

He never remembers what really happened during our arguments so he can never acknowledge and apologize for his part in it. He only remembers what I did inappropriately.

When I used to watch TV lying on the floor (which is the best way to watch TV if you have spasmodic torticollis), he would tell me how horrible it was for our children to see me lying around acting sick. Well I am sick, damm!t.

He had an irrational hatred of bath mats but also hated moisture on the bathroom floors. Ummm, I think you're going to have to pick living with one or the other.

He had a rule that no one was allowed to put dirty dishes in the sink, but that's where he puts his dirty dishes.

He was the messiest person in the house but had meltdowns about the clutter and went into cleaning rages. For hours he would yell or bark orders at the children and me, and it would all be over as soon as he took his first computer break.

He's addicted to the internet. I don't think he looks at pornography, but his addiction to political sites has been hard to live with regardless.

We had ongoing problems with intimacy.

He yells when he's mad, and then if I withdraw into a protective shell after being yelled at, I'm accused of giving him the silent treatment.

He's threatened to kill me (if I ever endangered his gun collection by the police being called to our house for a domestic disturbance).

He's called me a drug addict while taking drugs that weren't prescribed to him.

He never liked kissing me.

He bumped into me all of the time and got mad when I lost my balance a little...as if it were a show put on to make him feel guilty.

More than once he slammed the brakes of our car on hard (at least one time just because he was mad at me) and then get mad at me when I let it be known that my neck had really gotten hurt.

He criticized me over and over again for not doing housework correctly instead of helping me.

He's compared me to two women whom he considers to be human vermin.

He makes racist comments in front of my children.

He has A.D.D. and never takes responsibility for wasting his own time. It's always someone else's fault that something didn't get done.

He pre-judges me based on negative experiences he's had with his mother and sister.

He yells at me in front of our children.

In every argument he gets threatening and threatens to take it to "the next level", and I'm not sure what that is, but it's always scared me into backing down.

When he lashes out at me, apologizes and I don't bounce back immediately, I'm accused of purposely witholding affection.

He has dozens of double standards and doesn't recognize it.

He believes in ALWAYS going to sleep mad. And the conflict that wasn't resolved can't be brought up again in the morning because that's "not letting it drop."

A Piece Of Hell

2009-04-06T06:10:00.000-07:00

Yesterday afternoon my STBX texted me and told me that he had passed some of my coworkers on the street and that they called him a rapist and said he had sexually assaulted me. For the record, STBX never did either of those things. I told him that if he gave me a description of the catcalling people that I would clarify things, meaning that I would set them straight and make sure they didn't think he had done that to me. But he took "clarify things" to mean that I had said something of that nature to everyone at work.

So he ranted about it via texts, but since he would never give me a description of the alleged "accusers," I told him that I thought he was lying. The tone of his texts got meaner and more aggressive. He called me names, told me I was a professional victim, etc. So, as a completely fear-ridden and codependent person, what did I do? NATURALLY, I asked to come home!!! I told him truthfully that I had been crying buckets all day missing being with my family at home. I cried and told him that I wish I could be there like I was a couple of nights before he asked me to move out, sitting with him and our daughters in pajmas praying together right before bed.

After an hour or so he admitted that he had lied about the incident with my coworkers (I think it was a total lie; I don't think he even saw any of my coworkers). He said he was "fishing" to find out what I was saying about him. Apparently, before the texts started, women at an AA meeting had just been talking to him about how "divorce is a team sport for girls" and all women who get divorces tell everyone they know that their husband is scum. So STBX put me through the "you raped her" lie because he wanted to see what I was telling people about him. And when I said I'd clarify things, he interpreted it as evidence proving his point and used it against me. Goooooooooooood grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrief! I cannot believe I let myself get drawn into that.

Then because I got all panicky and started to want reconciliation, we talked for 2 hours about that. Mountains would have to move for use to live in peace in the same house. And I think my husband wants me off of all pain medication which is unrealistic considering the fact that I have a painful neurological disease, I work full-time and I am studying to take the law school entrance exam. Then there's the fact that he's never seemed to acknowledge the emotional cruelty that broke my heart...

I'm feeling pulled to pray for reconciliation but ONLY IF it's God's will and ONLY IF he sends me TWENTY BURNING BUSHES to tell me to go back. Although I do miss STBX desperately, that weird text garbage is proof right there that he doesn't mind hurting me.

Thoughts On Self Image And Denial

2009-04-05T13:04:00.000-07:00

I woke up with negative thoughts about myself battering me. I'm writing a list of my good qualities to try to stop the barrage.

I'm nice
I'm intelligent
I'm compassionate
I'm beautiful
I love
I wish people well
I'm patient
I'm appreciative
I'm thoughtful

Hopefully what I just wrote will work.

Meanwhile, I read a powerful meditation on denial. I thought about all of the time and energy I poured into making my life with my STBX and children look normal. “He's the stay-at-home parent,” I said, instead of saying, “he's too scared to look for work.” “A kid kicked me underwater in the pool,” I said, to explain the bruise I had beside my eye in 2007.

I worried that our home was never clean enough, and it wasn't ever clean enough, so I avoided having people over. Even when one of my husband's “cleaning rages” came along and the children and I cleaned for hours like we were in boot camp, the clean didn't last. And it was my fault, I believed. Always my fault. I think my husband believed it, too. I wonder if the house is clean now since I moved out of it per his request. I wonder what his explanation for the mess is.

There were rules my husband had about the house, and I followed them, with a small part of me thinking, “I shouldn't have to follow all of these rules...I'm a wife.” The computer was dominated by my husband, the television was dominated by my husband and bits and pieces of everyday existence were dictated according to his wants.

When he asked me to move out of our house, and I did, I felt two things: crushing sadness for my children and an oxygenizing realization that my life was now my own. The lack of need for covering up our dysfunctional life was like a plastic bag being ripped off of my head. I was out of our dysfunctional life. I had an identity again, and it didn't have to be shrouded and excused.

Today is a day for me to be with Jesus and think about the fact that our relationship is the most important thing in my life. Today is a day for me to realize that he will let me be who I want to be. Today is a day for me to realize that he always let me be who I wanted to be; he let me try to conform to the demands of an intimidating husband for as long as I wanted. Unlike my husband, Jesus gave me utter freedom.

I don't hate my husband. I want him to be happy. I'm sad that I don't feel like I can live with him and be myself. I'm sad that I feel like our marriage distanced me from myself.

“You train people how to treat you,” I told my psychologist. I'll always believe this.

My Promise Ring

2009-04-03T14:38:00.000-07:00

I bought a beautiful ring today at a store that specializes in estate jewelry. It's a small dark oval sapphire in a gold bezel setting surrounded by ten tiny diamonds, and the band part of it is like twisty golden rope. Despite the fact that it cost less than $250, it's the most elegant piece of jewelry I've ever owned. I wear it on the middle finger of my left hand (so the left hand always knows what the right hand is doing).

It's a visible reminder for the rest of my life that I promise never to stay with someone who mistreats me again.

My Reflection For The Staff Prayer Service Today

2009-04-02T09:26:00.000-07:00

Romans 8:35-39

Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.”) No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us.

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

I’m sure that everyone in this room has at sometime FELT separated from God’s love. That’s part of our walk as Christians. Sometimes we feel Christ’s love, and at other times, we pray and it seems like our prayers just evaporate into thin air. Feelings, though, as we’re often reminded, aren’t facts.

There are people in the room today who are in trouble. There are people who have experienced calamities. Our neighbors at the service day have been persecuted at some time and may have experienced hunger, poverty and danger. I myself have been threatened with death, and when my older daughter was 6 years old, an ex-convict threatened to have her killed because my husband had gotten the offender arrested for breaking into cars. A few days ago a close friend of mine confided in me, and what she is going through is unspeakable.

If we all had pens and paper and were asked to write down every bad thing that’s happened to us since kindergarten, we could probably write for hours. Life is hard. And, personally, I want to smack people who say that, although we may not know it, everyone has an equal measure of unhappiness. When I walk from my car to work, I see homeless people digging discarded food out of the St. John’s trash can or the trash can in front of the clinic. If I tried to tell them that I’ve had the same amount of trouble in my life as they’ve had in theirs, they would look at me as if I were speaking nonsense. And I would be. Everyone has problems, but I believe that some people have lives that are much more difficult than others.

In addition to individualized problems, existence on our planet is filled with hardship for entire populations. There’s disease, mass rape, genocide, war, starvation and poverty… just to name a few of our world’s problems. So I believe by now I have everyone in this room convinced that life is very hard. The question is, can anything ever separate us from God’s love?

The Apostle Paul says absolutely not. And what I love about this piece of scripture is that he doesn’t tell us, “You just have to believe that you’re never separated from God’s love.” He gives us evidence. In verse 39, he says that nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Jesus is the proof. He would have died an agonizing death just for _______. Just for _____________. He would have been tortured and murdered just out of love for me. One person.

So if I feel separated from God’s love today, whether it’s due to the fact that I recently did something very unkind to someone else or due to the fact that I feel persecuted, damaged or torn apart by wordly conditions, I’m believing a lie. To see the truth, I am to reflect on Jesus. And to believe in the truth, I am to have a dynamic relationship with him, praying to him, trying to walk with him and each day become more like him. And as I become more like Jesus, I have more faith in the love of my heavenly father.

There’s a short saying that I’m fond of, and I don’t know who first said it. The saying is, “God loves me, and nothing else matters.”

So no matter how huge my earthly troubles are, as Paul says, I have overwhelming victory through the love of Christ. I pray that today, anyone who is distressed or suffering will be able to believe in their hearts and confess with their mouths, “God loves me, and nothing else matters.

There Is No Help For You There

2009-03-30T12:54:00.000-07:00

Psalm 146:3-6

Don’t put your confidence in powerful people;
there is no help for you there.
When they breathe their last, they return to the earth,
and all their plans die with them.
But joyful are those who have the God of Israelas their helper,
whose hope is in the Lord their God.
He made heaven and earth,
the sea, and everything in them.
He keeps every promise forever.

My heart ached for my STBX this weekend. I wanted to return to him, to our home, to our family. I've been emotionally, physically and sexually abused by this man and believe he suffers from some sort of mental illness. Yet I missed the dream I had for our life so much this weekend that I went to sleep with wash rags so that I could keep wiping the tears from my eyes.

The Holy Spirit speaks directly to me in this Psalm:

Don’t put your confidence in powerful people;
there is no help for you there.

My husband certainly was powerful; at least, he had power over me. And the next line makes my heart ache with its truth. There is no help for me there...there being the home we shared.

And the Holy Spirit speaks to me directly at the end of the passage:

He keeps every promise forever.

Unlike my husband, who broke every promise but to be faithful (at least to my knowledge), God has never broken a promise. There have been times when I haven't understood his will or have rebelled against it and have been very unhappy with him, but he has never broken his word. Whenever I have let God have his way with my life, he has protected me.

So the tears for STBX may still flow, but that doesn't mean I should share a home with him again. The Holy Spirit whispers to me again and again and again...

there is no help for you there.

Thank You For Waiting On Me

2009-03-29T15:43:00.000-07:00

Romans 9:15-16

For God said to Moses,

“I will show mercy to anyone I choose,
and I will show compassion to anyone I choose.”

So receiving God's promise is not up to us. We can't get it by choosing or working hard for it. God will show mercy to anyone he chooses.

I read a spiritual journal that I wrote inn 2006, and it comforted and saddened me at the same time. The entire theme of the journal over that three-month time span was about the fact that for years I felt abandoned by God while I asked him to help my STBX to find work. When I finally made the scary and painful decision to try to find a full-time job in order to provide health insurance for my family, God's love, power and goodness seemed to burst into my life.

I wrote pages and pages and pages about how God's silence in my life, when I was asking him to help my husband get employment, was there because it was actually his will for ME to work full-time. That was absolutely not what I wanted, and I was angry, but when I began to search for jobs I felt the wonderful feeling again that God was leading me and protecting me. He didn't seem absent or silent anymore. In my journal I regretted wasting years asking God to do something he had no intention of doing. But I was assured to see how his grace poured into my life when I surrendered to his plan and did the thing I thought I wasn't strong enough to do: become a full-time working mother.

So why did the journal sadden me? God had been silent in other ways. God had been silent about my marriage. My union to my husband lasted 11 years. Our relationship began to deteriorate rapidly when my first daughter was born because I didn't want to have angry arguments with him in front of her (I made this decision the first time we were shouting at each other and our baby girl began screaming in terror). Year after year, I became more and more afraid of our daughter and then our second daughter being damaged by seeing our fights. So year after year, I let my husband win arguments as often as possible. I thought that would be enough.

By year 11, my husband wasn't content to win arguments. Mistakes I made, expressions on my face he didn't like, the tone of my voice seemed to make him feel justified in yelling at me. And then, when I withdrew into a protective shell, he accused me of giving him the silent treatment. There was no way to avoid being yelled at and no way to avoid having my daughters see the emotional abuse I was receiving. I worried that the model of marriage we were showing was damaging my children, sentencing them to end up in marriages just like mine.

So for years I prayed. I prayed for God to heal my marriage, and this is where I also heard that painful absence of sound. God was silent. Because I'm a Catholic mother, I doubted that God's will could be for me to divorce my husband. I asked him for help. I asked him to help my husband agree to marriage counseling. I asked him for my husband to be less volatile. I asked to be able to weather his storms, not react. I asked, I asked, I asked. I prayed. There was silence.

Last month, when my husband asked me to move out of our home, I could hear God again. The pain of the broken state of my family attacked me like teeth tearing into my heart, but I also felt enveloped by God. The envelopment also felt horrible, like a dark cloud that had the power to crush me. Yet feeling the presence of God again sent me a powerful message: something that I had done had drawn me closer to him, and there it was only one thing it could be. I had agreed to move out of my house in an act of self-preservation. My soul had been abused slowly over 11 years, and it was almost dead, except for one little flicker. As soon as my husband and I separated, God turned the flicker into a roaring flame. I had craved death for months, but now I craved life. And I didn't just crave a life with my husband that I could survive. I craved a life where I could fully exist.

God is showing me mercy, mercy that seems to abuse me as it protects me, inflict pain as it shields me. But it is sweet mercy nonetheless. I didn't choose it or work hard for it. I worked for years to make a poisonous marriage work, and when I finally stopped working, his mercy and compassion were waiting for me.

I had no idea that this was where you wanted me, God. But thank you for waiting on me to arrive.

A Dark Night

2009-03-29T07:33:00.000-07:00

I had a dark night last night. Part of it was due to planned (as in my doctor and I made a plan) withdrawal from the Duragesic patch I wear for my neck pain. The rest of the darkness came from a hatred of the disease of alcoholism and a deep sense of guilt I felt, thinking that yesterday I had not invited Jesus into every aspect of my life.

At one point I thought about STBX alone in our "family home" and cried in my heart for his loneliness, despite how poorly he's treated me lately.

I'm very grateful that today is a new day giving me a new opportunity to adore Jesus and let him live inside of me. I'm ready to give him a lot of room inside of my heart, and the self-hatred from last night (which would crowd him out) is mostly gone. I'm also grateful that I have my two daughters with me on this Sunday. They ask for hardly anything; they just love being around me.

They ask for hardly anything; they just love being around me.

Is that a model for my relationship with God? I don't know.

A Spiritual Sprint

2009-03-28T09:53:00.000-07:00

I was reading several different spiritual books last night and had one of those moments where you seem to leap forward spiritually…or come back to spiritual truths that have already been shown to you.

- What is most important to God is that I have a dynamic relationship with him. The relationship is not an ancillary part of my faith; it is my faith.

- This one is obvious; it just really hit home last night: with God's help I need to chisel away at my character defects in order to be fully present in a relationship with him.

- One of my parts in the relationship is to be aware that all I have is the present and that Jesus is with me and alive in me in each moment. He is a loving friend and older brother who wants to be involved in everything I do and will never leave.

- As I trust that Jesus is with me and alive in me, the Holy Spirit infuses me, protecting me and letting God's love work through me. I become part of the fulfillment of his kingdom and accomplish the good work of his kingdom each day.

- Anxiety, worries and fear crowd out room in my heart for Jesus and the Holy Spirit. When they come upon me, I am to follow the way of St. Faustina and her visions of Divine Mercy:
Ask for mercy
Intend with all of my heart to show mercy
Proclaim, “Jesus, I trust in you!”

- The Holy Spirit will fill me with joy, love, peace and happiness, not the kind I pursue on my own, but the kind that can only be actualized in a relationship with God in the depth of my being. I may not even recognize God's joy as my joy or God's peace as my peace, but it will be there. The gifts of the relationship are above my understanding but will be completely fulfilling, whereas pursuing these gifts through my self will are never going to be fulfilling.

- Although the only moment I have is the present, I am to know that as I live, I have the awareness that I am helping to weave the tapestry that is God's beautiful kingdom. Therefore, it is not only acceptable but good to ask for God to help other people.

- Because I have been shown that intercessory prayer is one of my spiritual gifts, I should use it each day to help Jesus act more powerfully to help others than he would have without my participation. I accomplish nothing, but Jesus turns my loving nothing into greater grace.

- I am also to ask God for things for myself that will allow me to be a better servant. I am to ask him for a fair property settlement in my divorce and for time to love and mother my children. I am to continue forgiving my husband and am also to ask for Jesus to intercede in his life and bring him divine happiness.

- God wants me to act out of a concern for others, and he wants me to love what I am doing. He wants me to use the human gifts he gave me, which are a partial manifestation of the soul he created for me. I am to use my human gifts to serve the world in his name. This is made possible through our relationship.

- I am to dream with the Holy Spirit about the greatest good that can be done with these gifts. I am to ask for money and success but my desire will not be selfish. My desire will be to become the greatest success in my human life in order to be able to accomplish much good for God's kingdom, serve humanity and glorify him.

- The desire for success will be part of my relationship with God. I am to have faith that as his partner in caring for the world that I will not fail. I may not be able to see my divine success, but I am to trust that the success that helps to build God's kingdom will come.

- Jesus has placed certain desires in my heart. Should I pursue them selfishly, I may or may not receive them. Receiving them due to selfish desires would only yield emptiness. Pursuing them as God's servant is an act of obedience.

- As I desire to serve humanity with my success, I am to realize success in each moment. Several times a day I am to quietly visualize the success that God plans for me. I am to act as if my divine desire is assured. I am to focus on success instead of fearing that I will fail. If God is for me, no one or no thing can be against me as I live in our relationship.

- Fear is based on illusions. If I trust in God, nothing can happen to me. That nothing is part of God's hidden kingdom. I may not understand it, but I am not to limit myself to human events. As I live in my relationship, no part of God's plan can be denied. I am to give fear no power over me. “Jesus, I trust in you!”

- True and lasting happiness have already entered my life as I have turned it over to God. Again, I do not know what God's happiness looks like; I only know the earthly version. But divine happiness has already been given to me, and I am to rejoice and thank God unceasingly.

- Choosing peace and happiness are complicated human notions, but in my relationship with God it is simple beyond my understanding. I am to let go and let myself be enveloped in the peace and happiness that Jesus brings to me in each moment.

- Gratitude strengthens our relationship.

- Bad feelings I have about myself come from the Evil One. I am to hand them to Jesus immediately and let him release the fear that binds me and cast my worries away.

- I am to visualize human success knowing that God knows how I will be able to serve him best. May God bring comfort and happiness to all, especially the people whom I resent or fear. I choose to love them all and will pray for them and entrust them to God.

- I believe my desire to pursue law school was God-given. I will continue to study for the entrance exam and leave the outcome to the Lord.

Starting right now, I choose to be the best servant for God that I can be.

Wonderful Site

2009-03-27T14:21:00.000-07:00

I just found a great blog for anyone considering, undergoing or recovering from a breakup.

Here's the link http://gettingpastyourpast.wordpress.com/

Writing Out My Dream

2009-03-27T10:26:00.000-07:00

I'm going to do what Coach John Calipari did and write out my dream life for myself (despite the fact that the U of M Tigers got crushed last night in the NCAA Sweet Sixteen). Here is the Dream Life of Allison Rhodes, 8 years from now:

I live in a beautiful townhouse with gated entry where I actually feel safe. I've graduated from law school and am having successes as an employee of a respected firm. I see my children no less than 3 days a week and have very close bonds with both of them.

I am even more beautiful and stylish than I am today. I have a smart, kind husband whom I was able to marry in the Catholic church. He's very sweet to my kids, he's a hard worker and he's a great husband model for my daughters. My children have learned what marital love should be like from watching us.

My investments have recovered, and besides having a nice salary, I have college and retirement savings. I am able to contribute to several different worthy charities each month and to my church every week.

All of the effort I have put into doing PT exercises for my neurological disease have paid off, and I am off of all pain medicine and muscle relaxers. Doing a few exercises each day keeps my neck in recovery, and I no longer think of it as a problem that rules my life.

I have had more than one Christian non-fiction book published, and my fiction Christian thriller has been published as well. Life is good seven years from now. Life is very, very good.

2009-03-27T07:20:00.000-07:00

Matthew 27:27-31

Then the governor's soldiers took Jesus into the Praetorium and gathered the whole company of soldiers around him. They stripped him and put a scarlet robe on him, and then twisted together a crown of thorns and set it on his head. They put a staff in his right hand and knelt in front of him and mocked him. "Hail, king of the Jews!" they said. They spit on him, and took the staff and struck him on the head again and again. After they had mocked him, they took off the robe and put his own clothes on him. Then they led him away to crucify him.

I identified with this passage today since last night I also felt spit on and mocked. My STB ex's marriage counselor - our priest - has recommended that we not be around each other so I had put a plan in place where I could have some time in our house alone and collect some of my things. STBX agreed to the plan yesterday afternoon.

When I arrived, STBX said, "IT'S MY HOUSE NOW, and I'm not going anywhere." Then he followed me around like a prison guard as I collected a few clothes, shoes and books. I can have my lawyer legally compel him to give me some time in our house alone, but I don't think I'll spend our assets like that. I'll just let him be an immature mess and see how much happiness it brings him. Time for me to pray again...Dear God, I forgive T. and release him to the Holy Spirit.

Smashing Illusions

2009-03-26T09:55:00.000-07:00

Things I miss about the idea of family

Signing my name Mrs. _ Rhodes. At work they asked me if I wanted to go ahead and be changed to Ms., and I said yes.
Both parents seeing wide eyes on Christmas morning
My children saying "Happy Anniversary!", giving even more meaning to the date than I had.
Playing together in the snow.
Watching my children blow out their birthday candles with all of the family members gathered around.
Not know how to handle "Parents' Day" at school.
Delighting in baby pictures. They used to conjure up joy. Now they make my heart ache...either for fooling myself about how happy we were then or mourning for what could have been.
Wearing an engagement and wedding ring. Even though I rarely wore them due to huge fluctuations in my weight, my hands feel raw and exposed with no ring on.
Engaging in the married with kids discussions at work. I have nothing to say.
Being able to hug my children every day and kiss the tops of their heads.
Going to church as a family (although that had not happened since the early 2000s).
Talking pleasantly on the phone with my husband instead of receiving harassing texts.
Having Family Movie Night
Playing Uno

There's so much more. I'm missing a dream world that never existed, no matter how badly I wanted it to. The only consolation I have is that my husband is acting so erratically and aggressively since he's been served that it affirms my reason for filing.

Can't Help Myself

2009-03-25T14:34:00.000-07:00

My blog is meant to be spiritual in nature, but I just cannot help myself from logging some of the nutty things my soon-to-be-ex is doing

Blaming the failure of our marriage on my "drug addiction" (I take pain pills and muscle relaxers as prescribed for a painful neurological condition I have).
Blaming my physician for the failure of our marriage.
Blaming our priest - the person we both thought was an excellent marriage counselor - for the failure of our marriage.
Bribing me with "a year's worth of" my current salary if I will detox and go into intensive marriage counseling with him. Interesting that my psychologist and physician have never suggested that I detox.
Demanding that my attorney send his attorney an offer when she has not even gotten financial discovery from him.
Threatening to report my attorney to the Board of Professional Responsibility because she waited a week to tell me about his bribe.
Being in contempt of court by saying bad things about me to our kids.
Saying that since we haven't come to an agreement yet on the parenting plan and the division of assets that now he's "out for blood." I just filed two weeks ago!

I told my attorney that I want him to make an offer first, and she said that made sense, because that will let us know if he's on the planet Pluto. I know, I know, Pluto's not really a planet, but my lawyer already realizes that he has a shaky grasp on reality. So she's going to send his attorney a letter, and then I'll see what his proposal is.

What's driving all of this behavior is the fact that my husband is a control freak and he cannot stand that he doesn't know the outcome of our divorce NOW. Heck, all he has to do is let me be primary residential parent and agree to give me half of our marital assets, and we could have this deal sewn up tomorrow. But he's let me know that he intends to fight me so that he has more custody of the children than I do and so that he has a larger share of our assets.

I don't feel like fighting. I like my freedom. I'm going to trust my attorney not to talk me into taking a hideous offer, and I'm going to trust God to do what is right here for all involved. I'm trying to get into law school, but the sad reality is that whatever assets he walks away with in this divorce, he will probably squander.

Do I sound bitter? I'm not. I feel sorry for my husband and slightly amused. It's extremely difficult for him not to be calling the shots, and I can tell. I pray for him every day, and I intend to keep praying for him. The prayer is, I forgive you T., and I release you to the Holy Spirit.

Though It Cost All You Have

2009-03-25T08:07:00.000-07:00

Proverbs 4:5-7

Get wisdom, get understanding;
do not forget my words or swerve from them.
Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you;
love her, and she will watch over you.
Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom.
Though it cost all you have, get understanding.

Today I'm feeling like understanding could definitely cost me all I have, but it's worth it. I wouldn't go back to a house of darkness and confusion for anything in the world.

As far as forgetting words and swerving from them, I have done this over and over and over again and will probably continue to do so. But have I forsaken wisdom? No, I think I have surrendered to wisdom. Wisdom told me to move out of my house when my husband asked me to do, and wisdom told me to refuse to go back. Now, as my husband seems to be moving into attack mode in this divorce, I ask God (Wisdom) to protect me, love me and watch over me.

All of his actions and words since we became separated just confirmed what I already thought about his capacity to love and live in peace. I don't think he's capable of being in a loving, peaceful relationship. Yep, I might lose on all fronts - child custody, money, property - but I have an understanding of what life what my cruel husband was like. I wish him well, yet I will never go back.

Your House Is Too Full

2009-03-24T06:41:00.000-07:00

From Walk With Me: The Notebooks of Nicole Gausseron, Book Two
Nicole Gausseron hearing Jesus speak to her in a little chapel...

(Jesus) Make some room for me. Your house is too full.

(Nicole) What do you mean?

There is too much furniture in the room set aside for me.

When you say room, do you mean our hearts?

Yes.

What do you want us to do?

Remove what is not absolutely necessary. Then I will be more comfortable being with you. Give me lots of space.

Remove? All right, but what?

Your cares, your useless worrying. Do not weigh yourself down.

I was already scared about filing for a divorce from my dry alcoholic husband, and now he's really trying to scare me about custody and assets. But lately I've realized that I need to worry less and spend more time in meditation. Whenever I have meditated in the past - even for 20 minutes a day - there have been rich spiritual rewards. I know that Jesus wants me to trust him and for me to be vulnerable, wearing his holy cloak to protect me. I've tried to trust him, but I haven't been able to get over my fear. I'm putting meditation back into my life starting today.

Starting today, I will ask God to remove my cares and my useless worrying. Starting today, I will spend time just with him, soaking up his presence. I will let everyone know how my life changes as I add meditation back in to my spiritual program. Thank you to everyone who reads and/or comments on this blog. Allison

You Couldn't See It

2009-03-23T10:40:00.000-07:00

We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.

~ T.S. Eliot

At first I didn't like this quote, because it reminded me of the 12 step saying, "Wherever you go, there you are," which has always sounded pessimistic to me. Then I realized that T.S. Eliot was not being pessimistic at all.

For the past 11 years that I've been married, I've explored how to become a better wife, how to become a better mother, how to become more frugal, how to become more organized, how to have more energy, how to be whatever my family needed me to be in order for us to trick the world and make everything we were normal.

Well guess what? We were off the charts abnormal. My dry alcoholic husband knew that he needed AA meetings to feel decent but wouldn't go. He cashiered for 5 years despite the fact that he had an M.S. in engineering and then spent 4 more years not working at all. I went back to work full-time in 2006 so that our family would have health insurance, and even when I was struck down with a chronic, painful neck disease in 2007, I kept working because I was still expected to be the breadwinner. My husband ruled the house with his loud, angry words, and the more I tried to keep the home peaceful, the louder and more vicious the words became.

I have searched the ends of the earth in order to find a way to have a reasonably happy and sane home life, and my exploring has come to an end. I have arrived where I first started, because my husband started out as my soul mate, and now I protect my soul from him. But, for the first time in 11 years, I know who the woman entering that painful marriage was. She was beautiful, especially when she smiled. She was both analytical and creative. She had a capacity for both hilarious dry wit and soft tenderness. She was bookish and smart. She loved to spend time alone, but her personality was so soothing and engaging that she could talk to anyone. She was quick to say, "I love you," and slow to say, "You're breaking my heart." She was always there to lend a helping hand but never forced her help on someone who didn't want it.

She was a jewel. She was a queen. She was a wife who merited not just compliments but praises, not just appreciation but cherishing.

Husband, that was the person you had, and that is who I am now. I don't know what you learned in our years together, but I learned that God gave you a wonderful wife. Now that I am not a wife struggling to keep you happy, I am a wonderful person whose love for others has no limit. We looked for a good life in those 11 years. We had it, but because you couldn't see me as I am, you couldn't see it.

It's my gift of a life now. I want you to find happiness somewhere and someday, but this gift of Allison Rhodes is ready to be shared with others.

The Father Knows What The Spirit Is Saying

2009-03-22T08:22:00.000-07:00

Romans 8:26-30

And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God’s own will. And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. For God knew his people in advance, and he chose them to become like his Son, so that his Son would be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And having chosen them, he called them to come to him. And having called them, he gave them right standing with himself. And having given them right standing, he gave them his glory.

This morning I read through a journal from 2008. It didn't take me long to read the entire journal since my neck disease has made writing by hand painful for 16 months. I was struck by something in it - shocked, actually. In last year's journal I was gripped by envy again and again and again. I wanted my marriage to be different. I wanted my home life to be different. One would think that since I'm separated from my husband and have been stricken with the pain of brokenness that I would envy others even more.

Instead, the opposite true. I feel no envy at all today. I am grateful that I am able to live apart from my husband and drink coffee on this Sunday morning and just be myself. Although I don't know how many days of child custody I will have, how much money I will have, what my career will be...anything(!), I am thankful for the freedom to be Allison Rhodes fully in the present moment.

I prayed a lot about my marriage during its 11 years. A lot. It never got better; it got worse every year. Although I know God protects families, I can only surmise that when I prayed for my marriage to get better, the Holy Spirit overruled me in prayer and asked God to deliver me from my dry-alcoholic husband's cruelty. I am not just important because I was a wife and am a mother. I am important because I am a child of God, and God chose to save me. I never would have chosen this path willingly, but he narrowed my walkway painfully and slowly until my choices were co-habitation or the death of my soul.

I envy no one today. Allison Rhodes is beautiful, introspective, compassionate, intelligent and loving. And the greatest gift that today has brought is that Allison Rhodes is free.

The Trek To Law School

2009-03-21T17:48:00.000-07:00

I filed for divorce last week. I could end up a pauper despite the fact that my husband and I own two houses that are completely paid for (no mortgages) and have a medical liability settlement whose trust is in both of our names. You never know how assets will be divided by the legal system.

So at 35 I am pursuing law school admission in the hopes that if I come out poor in my divorce, I can support myself, support my children and pay child support to my non-working husband. With my excellent analytical, communication, memorization and people skills, I would make an excellent lawyer. My psychologist told me the same thing just as I was regretting not becoming a lawyer years ago.

I considered law school in 1997, but I took a practice LSAT exam with no prep work and decided I wasn't smart enough to get in. Things are different now:

I have realized in the past 12 years that people who are not as intelligent as I am are making much more money.

I have realized that my low self-esteem in my 20s convinced me that I could never have a lucrative career. I didn't know just how intelligent I am.

I am determined to study as hard as I can to pass the LSAT, and the fact that I am living with my parents with partial custody makes studying a lot easier than it were if I my husband had not demanded that I leave our house.

Survival mode has kicked in full blast, and there is no better motivator than that.

The problem is that the LSAT is HARD. I have to study in small pieces since my neck pain prevents me from attacking it the way I would like to, but I am determined to pass it. The LSAT is hard in a way I can barely describe. The whole test is designed to put extreme pressure on the test-taker and undermine their confidence (at least from my point of view). I am studying as much as I can given my neck issues and asking God to help me get into law school if it's his will, which right now I have every reason to believe he is leading me toward. I think that if I do get into law school, the work will actually be easier than the entry process was. I excel at the skills that will be required of me in classes, and I know it. God, if it's NOT your will for me to pursue law school, please let me know. I'll pursue an M.B.A., and M.A in Creative Writing – anything you want me to do.

But right now all of the signs I'm getting from you are telling me to study for law school entrance, and I am trying to follow you.

What would it be like to pass the LSAT and get into my city's school of law? I can't even imagine. All I can say is that studying for this exam is hard, but I have no intention of giving up.

It's amazing what you'll do when your definition of “family” suddenly becomes just you and two innocent dependents.

I'm Kneeling In Front Of You

2009-03-21T09:02:00.000-07:00

Matthew 8: 1-3

As Jesus came down the mountain, he was followed by large crowds. Suddenly a man with leprosy came and knelt in front of Jesus. He said, "Lord, you have the power to make me well, if only you wanted to." Jesus put his hand on the man and said, "I want to! Now you are well." At once the man's leprosy disappeared.

I love this passage because when the man hesitantly asks if Jesus wants to make him well, Jesus responds with an impassioned, "I want to!"

Dear Jesus, today I take all of my faults to you. I take my neck disease to you. I take my codependency and my need for Al-Anon to you. I take the pain of my divorce to you. Last night I got a tattoo as a symbol of personal freedom (my husband hated tattoos), but that was my empty solution to my ocean of problems. I want YOU to heal me. I'm asking you if you want to help me, and I want you to say,

"I want to!"

Your will be done, Lord, not mine.

Who's Life Am I Living Anyway?

2009-03-19T14:20:00.000-07:00

I just posted about how alone I felt, and then God led me to this blog:

http://whoselifeamilivinganyway.blogspot.com/

How alone can I feel now? This lady and I have been living the same life.

You Surpass Them All

2009-03-19T11:41:00.000-07:00

Proverbs 31:29-31

"Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all."
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
Give her the reward she has earned,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

I am still in marriage counseling despite the fact that I filed for divorce last week. The difference is that my priest wants to meet with us individually now. No more couples counseling. In fact, he does not even recommend that my husband and I be around each other.

Last night I told my priest how alone I feel - not in the married with children club and not in the boyfriend/girlfriend club. He told me my loneliness was an illusion.

An illusion?

"And even if you are the only one you know who's going through a divorce right now," he said, "there are other people who have gone through it."

Well obviously with at least 50% of marriages ending in divorce, I can't really be alone. But feeling alone doesn't feel much different than being alone. I feel so sorry for my husband right now as he sits at home by himself on his birthday. I feel sorry for him a lot. Sometimes I feel sorry for myself and sometimes I feel relief for myself, but I always feel sorry for him.

Do you ever read scripture as if God were talking to directly to you? I read the line from Proverbs aloud to myself as if God had his hand on my shoulder and were speaking to me from the heart.

"Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all."

With all of my shortcomings, how could this passage possibly be meant for me. And yet I feel the warmth of Jesus beside me. I feel him gazing at me. I feel him looking at how I've dealt with a hard, hard life and telling me that I've held up better than other people could have. I'm hearing him tell me that he sent me these trials because I'm Allison Rhodes, because he knew I would turn to him and survive them. That's quite heavy language for me to be thinking Jesus is using with me, though.

"Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all."

I'm not alone. That's what it boils down to. Jesus has been watching me since I was a happy bride in 1998, and he's watched me suffer for 11 years. Now that I have finally given up on holding my marriage together through will power and am letting it dissolve, he is comforting me. He's almost in awe of the burden I carried - Jesus, whose body was hideously tortured and nailed to a cross! I've been telling him lately that I want him to be with me, and I can feel him with me. And the things he has to say to me shock me.

I tell him that he shouldn't love me as much as he does. I tell him about my faults, weaknesses and shortcomings. And he tells me that he wants me to draw closely to him all the more. Perhaps this feeling of being alone that my priest tells me is an illusion is a vessel that will take me closer to him. Right now, though, I don't feel worthy of being loved by Jesus. I feel guilty when I ask him to stay near me as I go throughout my day. And the loneliness is like a dark cloud that not only covers me but penetrates the deepest parts of me. I am going through a divorce and no one around me, except for one acquaintance I barely know, is going through one, too. I belong to a club of sufferers, and I don't even know where they are. If I believe that I've done noble things in your eyes, Lord, if I believe that I've surpassed them all, will I have peace? I don't know what to think or what to do, Jesus. I just have to call out to you day after day.

Alone

2009-03-18T14:30:00.000-07:00

There's a loneliness I can understand now. When I first came to my job, I was a member of the club of coworkers who hada spouse and kids. The other club was coworkers who didn't have kids but were married or dating.

I fit into neither group now. I had absolutely no idea how lonely that was going to be. Everyone else seems to have another person who cares deeply about them, but I don't. The absence is powerful, and I wasn't ready for it.

So I'm alone. Alone by choice, but no less lonely. I'm exploring yet another one of the dimensions of hell that is divorce and cannot wait to report that the loneliness has not done me in.

He Said, "I'm Sorry."

2009-03-17T15:03:00.000-07:00

I have never known emotional pain like this before.

I am about to give myself permission to totally and completely lose it because of how painful being separated from my husband and children is.

The separation hurts my skin. It hurts my eyelashes. It hurts each hair on my arm. It clutches my throat. It makes my neck spasm. It makes my eyes burn because there are tears that need to come out but too many were spilled yesterday. Are my tear ducts empty? How can I not be crying right now?

Four people who were a family are not a family today. There is my husband, always so angry, always so impossible to please, always so impossible to pacify, who is reeling so hard from the absence of family that he asked me to give him a list of things to change so that I’ll come back.

There’s 9 year old Daughter A who is a carbon copy of her father and doesn’t hesitate to scream at her parents. “I know you two are getting a divorce,” she yelled at her dad a few days ago, “just go ahead and say the word!”

There’s 5 year old Daughter M who is a carbon copy of me. She’s already observing, already scanning for danger and already people-pleasing. And if she still can’t avoid trouble despite her best efforts, she resorts to tears.

And then there’s me. The wife who felt completely demeaned when she was screamed or hissed at. The wife who felt like she could provoke yelling just because the look on her face was wrong. The mother who had horrible guilt for letting her daughters see her cower. The mother who lives in a different house now and knows she can’t come home without fear setting in.

I am a wreck, such a wreck that I can’t believe I don’t blow wide apart leaving a gaping hole where my heart was. And sprinkled in are the oddest pieces of comfort and oddest pieces of woe.

Pieces of Comfort
- 2 friends from long, long ago got in touch with me on the same day
- An older coworker abruptly came into my office, read me a passage about shedding or old skin to make room for the new and told me about her 2 painful divorces
- A younger coworker came into my office to ask me why I was on disability, and I decided to be honest with her. I told her that it was due to an eating disorder and anxiety. Then she confided in me that she was having very bad problems with an eating disorder and anxiety, and we both talked about how dysfunctional relationships seemed to be driving the problems in both of us. I felt a sisterly bond that has me crying tears for her but at the same time bowing my head in gratitude for the fact that she chose to come talk to me.
- A maternal coworker gave me a CD of beautiful hymns arranged on the piano, and when I started playing it in my office, the day’s tears finally did come.
- Yet one more coworker told me that there had been abuse in her first marriage and started to detail it. I’m the only one at work she’s ever told.

Pieces of Woe
- I continue to chase after those empty promises
- Codependent thoughts come at me like a serial killer with a butcher knife
- Everything I see reminds me of what life should have been, could have been or everything I see shows me what life is now.

One of the worst parts of today was when a man I work with just looked at me and said, “I’m sorry.” In two little words he pared everything down to the sheer sadness of it all. Yes. I, too, am sorry.

Proof I Was Real

2009-03-17T07:17:00.000-07:00

From the time I was a young teenager throughout my first years at college, I worried that I wasn't a real person. I felt like a shell of a person with nothing substantive inside, and it scared me to death. I was drawn to friends who had lots of strong likes and dislikes or personality quirks, because what I found in myself was so empty that their relative depth fascinated me. So for years I kept a notebook as some sort of proof that I was real. I recorded my preferences in music, literature, books, colors, anything. I also recorded any things that I liked to do in my leisure time, such as write fiction, sketch faces, read nonfiction books.

In my mid-20s, I stopped struggling to find an identity for myself. It was given to me at 7:11 on December 31st, 1999: Mommy. But when I filed for divorce last week and set in motion the ball that will end my 11 year marriage, I felt like I lost my identity again.

I'm not the tidy stay-at-home mom I tried to be. I'm not a mother who brings homemade cupcakes to school. I'm not a mother who decorates for Halloween. I'm not a mother who makes French toast on Sundays. I'm not a mother who can kiss my children goodnight every night. I'm not a mother who can catch a glimpse of my children every day.

At the same time that I grapple with the identity I wanted to have, I'm having to unravel the false identity that developed over those 11 years in which I was criticized, demoralized and mistreated. Call it Battered Wife Syndrome. Call it brainwashing. As of five weeks ago when I was still living in the family home, I was someone who could never do anything right, who could never make the wise decision instead of the foolish one, who was accused of wanting to be unhappy instead of happy and who was accused of wanted to act sick and tired constantly (the fact that I have a neurological disease gave me no mitigation here, apparently). So the Allison wfo once wondered if she was a person at all is now having to shed the idea that she is one of the worst people on the earth.

I'm not bad because I forgot to use coupons. I'm not bad because I separate laundry by color and don't wash shrinkable clothes on hot. I'm not bad because I buy cute clothes for my daughters. I'm not bad because of where I put my dirty dishes. I'm not bad for needing to rest on the weekends sine I work a full-time week while fighting a neck disease. I'm not bad for being on some $50 prescriptions. I'm not bad, I'm not bad, I'm not bad.

Fine. But who is Allison? A 35-year-old mother who just filed for divorce, endures chronic neck pain, is recovering from anorexia and is in a dead-end career? I don't want to be that person!

I'm about to break out a notebook again like I did when I was 15 and figure out who I really am. Somewhere in the disappointment and the darkness I was engulfed, but I'm full of life again. I need to know what goes into it.

This Grace In Which We Stand

2009-03-16T09:53:00.000-07:00

Romans 5:1-5

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

A few questions come to mind as I read this. First of all, Paul says, "into this grace in which we now stand." Am I really standing in grace? I usually alternate between feeling like I'm on the floor flattened with fear or flailing around as I panic wildly. Yet there are some moments when the pain of filing for divorce and my knowledge that God wants me to have a dignified life coincide, and I stand with sadness but steadiness.

Do I rejoice in my sufferings? I try to follow the example of St. Therese the Little Flower and Pope John Paul and welcome the opportunity to suffer with Christ on the cross, but have I gotten to the point where I rejoice in it? I don't think so. It's a goal. Now I can say that suffering has produced perseverance, and my mother would say perseverance definitely produces character.

"You're one of the bravest women I know," she often tells me. It always makes me feel good when she says that, but it's rough, too. When you've had a hard life, you get emotional when someone looking from the outside in affirms it.

Now on to the question, does character produce hope? Last year I would have said no. This year I say it has to. It has to. What's the difference? Last year I had no character - good or bad - because I was always reacting to my husband's moods. This year, I decided to make my health and my ability to mother a priority, and I realized I would rather be dead than be mistreated by my spouse anymore. Or even worse, for my daughters to see me being mistreated by my spouse and to see me paralyzed. The day that I realized that my life had value, I forever had character. And the day I realized that complacency was no better than death, I suddenly had hope. The jump from perseverance to character to hope was not a pretty one, and I've emerged wounded, but Paul speaks the truth.

The final question - how can I believe Paul when he says that hope does not disappoint us? How can I believe this when I'm coming out of an 11 year marriage, a marriage that I begged God to make tolerable? Maybe I can't believe Paul yet. But I do know that when I begged God to make my marriage better, it didn't get better. And if he had wanted to turn it around, he had years and years to do so. So my only choice is to believe that the Holy Spirit has led me out of that marriage, and that now that I am not making all of my decisions based on fear, the Holy Spirit can lead me to God's peace. I haven't felt God's love poured out into my heart yet, but the chasm between us seems to be narrowing. There is one thing I know, no matter how much I wrestle with the optimism of Paul, I will walk by faith from now on and not by fear. And maybe someday soon, I will look around and see that I am standing in grace.

Why 11 Years?

2009-03-15T16:30:00.000-07:00

Proverbs 24:13-14

My child, eat honey, for it is good, and the honeycomb is sweet to the taste. In the same way, wisdom is sweet to your soul. If you find it, you will have a bright future, and your hopes will not be cut short.

I started thinking about divorce when my husband and I were childless newlyweds. I seriously considered it in 2005 when he quit his job, did not get a new one and more frequently became angry. I filed for divorce in 2009 when I realized that my husband and I would never live peacefully in our house again. Although God does want couples to stay married, and Catholic priests in particular try to save marriages, I realized in pastoral counseling that I could not continue living with my husband and have the bare minimum of happiness that a wife can expect.

Although I'm sad about filing for divorce, I'm also sad that I was inert for as long as I was. The fact was though, in 2005, 2006, 2007 and 2008, I wasn't ready. I felt despair, but I couldn't see my problems clearly. Years had to pass until I was given the wisdom to realistically assess my home life. And when the wisdom came, the solution came. My husband demanded that I leave our house, and I did so, not feeling like I was being hasty or erratic but feeling sane. The first night I spent at my parents' house, I cried a torrent of tears about how much my children would miss me, but there was also a strong bittersweetness surrounding me. Finally overcoming my fear and being led by God's wisdom was soothing to my soul, and I felt hope for the first time in years.

I know that divorce is nightmarish and don't know how bright my future will be, but God promises that my hopes will not be cut short. He told me several times that he didn't want me to slowly die living in an oppressive marriage, and now I am letting him lead the way. I have no desire to hurt my husband, no desire to punish him, no desire to lash out. All I want is the freedom to become the real Allison again and the freedom to be the best mother I can be.

Why did it take 11 years for me to file for divorce? Because I had to become free of resentment, self-pity and hopelessness first. Although I didn't realize it, God was making me ready. Three years ago I would have wanted my husband to hurt – and badly. Today I want him to have a happy life, just a life without me in a shared house.

Bring me honey, Lord. Bring it in discipline, in mercy, in forgiveness, in grace. Give me whatever spiritual food you want me to eat. I'm sorry that my marriage failed, but I know you were watching us the entire time. I know you saw how hard I tried. Please help me to grow into a better person, but please, in your infinite love, protect me from shame that should not crush me. I will endure whatever you ask me to, but let your wisdom be sweet to my soul.

Nesting Beside My Stream

2009-03-15T16:29:00.000-07:00

Psalm 104:10-14

You make the springs pour water into ravines,
so streams gush down from the mountains,
They provide water for all the animals,
and the wild donkeys quench their thirst.
The birds nest beside the streams
and sing among the branches of the trees.
You send rain on the mountains from
your heavenly home,
and you fill the earth with the fruit of your labor.

I sit at my parents' country home, my divorce just set in motion a few days ago. There is grey fog covering the pond, placing a quiet peace in my heart. The water comforts me, helps to fill the hole that the brokenness of my family carved inside of me.

I decided to search the Psalms for a passage about water and within seconds found this one. The opening line of Psalm 104 is

Praise the Lord, I tell myself;
O Lord my God, how great you are!

So praise the Lord, Allison. Tell yourself to praise the Lord. The pain of divorce is great, but O Lord my God, you must be greater. Let me nest beside your stream and sing and sing and sing.

From Al-Anon to Al-Apart

2009-03-15T16:26:00.000-07:00

Matthew 6:22-23

Your eye is a lamp for your body. A pure eye lets sunshine into your soul. But an evil eye shuts out the light and plunges you into darkness. If the light you think you have is really darkness, how deep that darkness will be!

When I found the Al-Anon program, I had a spiritual explosion that infused me with hope and empowered me. My husband was a dry alcoholic (a sober man not working the 12 steps), and for years I had been trying to hide our family from the world so that no one knew how troubled we were. He was defensive, paranoid and oversensitive. He was a neat freak who didn't clean up after himself and subjected us to “cleaning rages” when the build up of clutter triggered a meltdown. He was terrified of working and chose to become a stay-at-home father, which turned out to be a disaster as his isolation from other adults fed his depression and bitterness. He was extremely aggressive and had a scary temper that surfaced randomly.

In Al-Anon, I found a place where I could talk about what my home life was really like. No one suggested that I get separated or divorced. Instead the members just shared their own stories and let me know that I had a safe place to talk about my unhappiness and fear. I was urged to focus on myself, not on my husband's moods and actions. I became empowered to think about God's love for me and discover what appropriate behavior I needed to implement whenever I had an incident with my husband. I believed that I could only be emotionally abused if I made the decision to allow my heart to hurt.

Unfortunately, I developed an illness which made Al-Anon meetings too painful for me to attend, and once again I started just reacting to my husband's mood swings. This turned out to be a blessing in disguise. I abandoned the Al-Anon program and resorted to self-destructive coping mechanisms. My freefall into a severe depression led me into therapy. I explained to my psychologist that I was no longer able to deflect his volatile anger quietly, for my illness took so much out of me that I couldn't focus on myself and stand steady, strong and unscathed while he said hurtful words. I knew that the words didn't have to hurt, but they still did.

“I don't think you can choose whether or not to be physically abused, but I do think you can choose whether or not to be emotionally abused,” I told her. “You can choose to believe that the words have no power over you. I've just gotten so tired that I can't ignore the words anymore.”

My psychologist gave me a small smile tinged with sadness. “Allison, that is partly true, but don't you think there's such a thing as mistreatment? That there's some behavior that no one should have to endure?”

I was quiet for a long time. I had believed for years that I had the power not to be hurt by angry words or slamming doors.

Don't you think there's such a thing as mistreatment?

I was quiet for a moment longer. Then I nodded. The nod felt like admitting failure and standing up at the same time.

My husband and I began marriage counseling with our parish priest. I was hoping that we would learn to communicate better so that he could let me know his point of view during disagreements without resorting to name calling and vicious words. What I found out during our five months of marriage counseling shocked me. We weren't having a lot of disagreements in which he reacted with emotional abuse. I was triggering his violent temper by mistake.

Sometimes I didn't answer my cell phone. Sometimes I put my empty glass in the wrong place. Sometimes I grabbed the wrong dish rag to clean up a spill. I broke the lid on the coffee carafe. I drove my child to a birthday party and took the wrong car. I took a beverage without a lid on a family outing and my drink splashed all over the interior of the car when my husband had to brake hard.

These were the transgressions for which I was punished. Our parish priest looked at my husband after we described our versions of one incident and asked him gently, “On a scale of 1=10, 10 being the highest, how mad would you say you were at Allison?”

“A 7,” my husband said.

A 7?

“Don't you see why I walk on eggshells all of the time?” I asked our priest. “Don't you see how hard it is to live with someone you can make so mad just by accident?” I don't know if my priest understood, but I suddenly understood.

If the light you think you have is really darkness, how deep that darkness will be!

My Al-Anon light still left me in darkness. The Al-Anon principles weren't going to suffice in my situation. No matter how hard I tried to focus on myself instead of my husband's moods, he was going to become extremely angry over and over again just because I was being me. It didn't mean that there weren't valid reasons my husband had to be mad at me many times. But it meant that anger could be around any corner, and I realized I couldn't live like that.

So I filed for divorce a few days ago. It's already the most painful thing I've ever done, but I couldn't wait around to see how deep the darkness in my marriage could be. God have mercy on my husband and have mercy on me. I am walking toward the light.

The Beatitudes: Jesus' Battered Women's Shelter

2009-03-15T16:22:00.000-07:00

Despite how badly I needed out, pursuing a divorce has been one of the most painful experiences of my life.

I had the expectation that divorce would be less painful for me because I suffer from Battered Women's Syndrome (from emotional abuse, although I'm told it's as traumatizing as physical abuse). I had the expectation that the freedom from constant criticism, name-calling, yelling and accusing would be so exhilarating that I would walk around smiling and relieved.

This lasted for roughly a week. Then the pain and dread set in. Pictures of my husband and me holding our one-hour-old daughter. Memories of deliciously scary rollercoaster rides. My 9-year-old daughter, who reads at an eighth-grade level, getting a D in English. Fear of poverty. Fear of two beautiful, beaming girls becoming drug-using teenagers. Tight, urgent hugs from my uncuddly children and the whispered questions, “Are you and Daddy getting a divorce?”

I hurt. My heart is scorched. My head is pounding. My skin is sore. Even though my priest feels that I have suffered from grave emotional abuse and that divorce is necessary in my case, the pain is excruciating. “It's like a death,” I cried out to my future ex-husband in a moment of mutual sorrow.

“It is a death.” He said. And I agreed.

As I frequently do, I turned to the New Testament one night to see if there were any passages which could comfort me. Although I have read the Gospel of Matthew many times, I was overwhelmed by what I found.

The Beatitudes
Matthew 5
God blesses those who realize their need for him, for the Kingdom of Heaven is given to them. All of those nights that I cried outside of my house because my neat-freak husband who wouldn't clean up after himself had hollered at me about my terrible housekeeping

God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted. All of the nights I cried myself to sleep, my heart stinging with the cruel names my husband had called me

God blesses those who are gentle and lowly, for the earth will belong to them. All of the times I held my tongue in an unfair argument, knowing that defending myself would only bring on harsher accusations

God blesses those who are hungry and thirsty for justice, for they will receive it in full. All of the times my husband falsely accused me of doing things just to hurt him, when in truth I didn't dare provoke him.

God blesses those who are merciful, for they will be shown mercy. Even now, as I leave my husband, I grieve for his heartache.

God blesses those whose hearts are pure, for they will see God. Please Lord, I prayed so many times, just let us be able to live together without the children hearing him yell at me.

God blesses those who work for peace, for they will be called the children of God. All of the times I accepted unkind words, biting my tongue and refusing to respond in kind.

God blesses those who are persecuted because they live for God, for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs. That night that I followed my Catholic teaching on birth control, and my husband yelled at me, “_____ you, and ______ Pope John Paul!

As many times as I had cried about my marriage, it was not until I re-read the Beatitudes tonight that I realized how closely Jesus had held me during the many periods of emotional abuse. Not only was he with me then, he promises that I will be blessed and that a great reward awaits me in heaven.

Don't Forget, Allison

2009-03-15T16:20:00.000-07:00

Hebrews 10: 32-36

Don't ever forget those early days when you first learned about Christ. Remember how you remained faithful even though it meant terrible suffering. Sometimes you were exposed to public ridicule and were beaten, and sometimes you helped others who were suffering the same things. You suffered along with those who were thrown into jail. When all you owned was taken from you, you accepted it with joy. You knew you had better things away for you in eternity.

Do not throw away this confident trust in the Lord, no matter what happens. Remember the great reward it brings you! Patient endurance is what you need now, so you will continue to do God's will. Then you will receive all that he has promised.

I was looking through the New Testament trying to find a passage that spoke to me about the sadness I'm having over my impending divorce. This passage from Hebrews resonated with me despite the fact that it says nothing about marriage, divorce or forgiveness. I remembered the early days when I first grew to know Christ. At 21 my life was crashing down on me, and I had two choices: continue to hurtle toward destruction or give Jesus a chance, no matter what happened. In the depths of despair, the choice was easy to make. Did I have confidence? No. But I remained faithful through suffering, and I helped others as a way to develop my spirituality. After several years, I did have confident trust in the Lord.

I turn to him now with the angst I have about my decision to pursue a divorce.

I know I need one. My priest knows I need one. The problem is not the fact that I should get a divorce. The problem is that I feel I'm saving my own life while destroying the lives of three others.

When I kneeled in a Catholic church on my wedding day, more than 11 years ago, I was like most beautiful brides: loving, caring and ready to commit myself to my marriage despite whatever problems we faced in the future as a couple. Now I sort through years and years of problems that no amount of commitment, love or caring could have solved. I did my best, I gave of myself until I actually thought I would be happier dead, and I slowly realized that my marriage couldn't be saved by one person.

I have not looked at every divorce harshly. When infidelity, cruelty or substance abuse was involved, I sympathized with every person in the family and wished them the best with their new lives. There have been several times that my friends and acquaintances got divorced, though, and I admit that I judged them, especially when children were involved. Sometimes the husband worked too much, the wife spent too much money on clothes, the husband came home and opened up his briefcase instead of talking to his children, the mother cleaned the house obsessively, the mother put young children in full-time daycare to play bridge or tennis.... In these situations I had the gnawing feeling that if either parent had been willing to budge at all or enter into marriage counseling with good faith that perhaps the marriage could have been saved.

Although this is oversimplifying, I am going to call the latter category of divorces “frivolous.” Selfish ones. When I think about my own divorce, I fight not to put it into the frivolous category. I feel like I have ripped a family apart needlessly. I don't think about the fact that I suffered due to someone else's paranoia, controlling nature and emotional abuse. I see myself as someone who is hurting other people because I wouldn't try hard enough.

But it's a lie, such a lie. For the first two years of my marriage, I put up with my husband's explosive temper. In the last nine years, when I had children who could witness angry fights, I spent all of my energy trying to manage my husband to make sure he never got mad enough to shout and threaten. Many times it worked, but many times it didn't work. I was so determined for my children to live in peace that I groveled to be forgiven for forgetting my husband's likes and dislikes. I tried to give my husband his way most of the time, and I did my best not to respond to his harsh remarks in case my defense of myself escalated the argument. By the time more than 11 years of marriage had gone by, I was an anorexic with battered wife syndrome, and that only scratches the surface of how I had changed myself to absorb and survive my husband's volatility. And then there were the health problems that weren't even coping mechanisms, like my neurological disease. I'm told that a normal husband would have shown love and concern for my condition. All I remember is the way my neck and shoulder pain “messed up our life.”

I feel like a failure. I've been told that I'm not the one who failed. I've been told I'm the one who's made a courageous decision. But all I can think about is the three lives who, with the addition of me, made a family. No matter what my reasons for divorce are, there will be loss. No more family vacations. No more family movie night. No more Mothers' Day breakfasts. No more decorating the Christmas tree together. No more morning coffee together. No more nights in front of the wood-burning stove. No more having Big Sister A run to show both of us the incredible picture she drew. No more having Little Sister cuddling between the two of us. No more watching National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation together every Thanksgiving night.

No more. No more. No more.

I cry out in this essay about the happy things my broken family will live without. It's even harder for me to think about the other things my broken family will live without. A screaming husband. A cowering wife. Inappropriate apologies from me. Inappropriate demands from my husband. A mother who makes decisions based on fear. A father who says the unspeakable because of a perceived slight.

The time for me to go has come.

Patient endurance is what you need now, so you will continue to do God's will. Then you will receive all that he has promised.

As much as I have loved my family, it is no longer a healthy family, and there is no saving it. God, protector of marriages, has given me the bravery to walk away risking everything. Patient endurance is what I need now, so that I will continue to do his will. Then I will receive all that he has promised.

I believe this, I truly do. But what can be more fulfilling than a happy family? And God has shown me that my family must be divided. I do believe that I will receive what he has promised. However, all of my dreams for the past 11 years have ended in ruins. No full-time parenting, no happy household, no gentle respect for my husband and an inner peace knowing that he would do whatever necessary to keep my daughters and me safe.

I will receive what God has promised. I simply have no idea what it is.

All Of My Heart

2009-03-15T16:18:00.000-07:00

Matthew 22:36-40

“Teacher, whis is the most important commandment in the law of Moses?”

Jesus replied, “You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the other commandments and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments.”

Even though I can feel the love of God protecting me, I am sad tonight. I worry that I don't love Jesus enough. I've been focusing on our relationship, and I feel like I'm not giving myself enough to it. I know what would help. I know what would help within 24 hours.

All I have to do to begin (or feel) like I'm loving the Lord my God with all of my heart is to pray the rosary each day. It's so simple, yet I resist. It takes less than 25 minutes, yet I resist. It's very late tonight. I pray that tomorrow I will begin to pray the rosary every single day. I don't know what graces or consolation will come from it, but I do know that every time I pray the rosary daily, I can feel my love for Jesus, and my life changes for good. So my goal for tomorrow is to resume the practice that rescues me spiritually every time I reach for it. Please help me, Jesus and Mary

Full Armor

2009-03-15T16:13:00.000-07:00

I am going through unbelievable pain as I enter divorce proceedings, and I know that I will perish without the full armor of God. So like the saints I am on a mission to die to sin and to self.

The first thing I have to do is going to be incredibly hard, but I think that God has given me the strength to do it. He has given me a desire to live without horrific sin and live in harmony with him instead. I think that doing what Jesus wants me to do will be difficult, but I have to choose to walk with him. It's the only choice I can make as a Christian. Dr. Adrian Rogers said that when we are not in fellowship with God, the Holy Spirit convicts us. It has convicted me. The Holy Spirit has given me a desire to confess my sin and repent, and I intend to do it.

I will have a mystical relationship with God again. I will believe in the dark way of St. John of the cross. I will believe in St. Therese's Little Way and try to walk in love. I will desire God's higher gifts and be shown the excellent way of love. What can happen to my striving for sainthood? The Lord has always appeared to me in the special way. The Blessed Virgin Mary visited me in 2002, the most wonderful experience of my life. Mary visited me.

I just realized from my Divine Mercy book that there is nothing wrong with trying to become a saint. That's wonderful! Maybe I will try to become a saint! Maybe it will be a goal. St. Faustina devoted hersel to the love and merciful way.

I am so excited about reading about St. Faustina that I am ready to ask for God's mercy, perform acts of mercy and several times a day say, “Jesus, I trust in you!”

This recreation of my life is centered around St. Faustina's way of mercy. I am looking forward to the joy, joy, joy of living in Jesus' Divine Mercy and knowing it.

The Sweetest Girl

2009-03-13T11:03:00.000-07:00

There's someone I envy (as you get to know me, you'll find out that I have envy problems a lot). She's actually someone who looks a lot like me. She has layered blonde hair, fair skin and blue-green eyes. I think she's prettier than I am, although I have to say that this year I have finally realized that I'm beautiful.

I don't envy her for her looks. I envy her because she's only 30 years old (only 30 - ouch!) and because she has a joyful, childlike outlook on life. She has a personality that soothes you and fills you with hope at the same time. I've always wanted to be someone like that, and I'm just not. When I force myself to act eternally loving and optimistic, I'm being fake. There's no reward in that.

Ironically, she offered a reflection at a prayer service this week that talked about identifying the special gifts God has given you and realizing that you were created with a specific purpose in mind. So if God had wanted me to be sunny, tranquil and encouraging, he would have given me these traits instead of my having to fight for them. If I fight to be someone I'm not, I will never feel close to God because I'll be resisting the plan he has for me.

Now this is not to say that I'm not a nice person, a loving person or a positive person. But God definitely created me with a flair for drama and a huge dose of "the dark poet." I love passionately and deeply, I have compassion that is so deep that it sometimes overwhelms me and yet I also know that I am melancholy. That may be one reason why I experience such highs and lows in my relationship with God.

Tonight I'm having coffee with the 30-year-old coworker that I envy; we decided to get together and talk since we're both getting divorces and we're both living with our parents. I wonder if I'll find out anything about her that makes me think hmmmm, I'm glad I'm myself or if I'll wish even more that I had her nature. But one thing I do know is that it's important for me to stay in the present. I'm such a dreamer. It would be so easy for me to get caught up in what if I were as pretty as she is? and what if I were as upbeat as she is? What I need to remember is that not only was my personality custom made for me by the Lord, my God-given personality has a place in his eternal plans. Who I am is not my business! Only a high-maintenance believer could figure that out.

The Planks In Our Eyes

2009-03-13T08:55:00.000-07:00

Matthew 7:1-5

"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.”

I work at a ministry for faith and health, so the environment at my job is quite different than that of most corporate jobs. We’re encouraged to express our faith, nurture each other, attend a weekly prayer service and focus on our spiritual growth. Yet our duties are all “real jobs,” and that means that office politics and personality conflicts inevitably spring up among us.

This week my co-worker and friend Amelia decided that we would start our morning at work by praying together. We pray for personal needs and specific petitions, but we expressly pray to be charitable to each person we interact with at work. I hope that after a few weeks we have both found that we feel more peaceful at work, are more productive and, most importantly, are compassionate and forgiving to all of the people we work with.

Seek Ye First

2009-03-12T08:36:00.000-07:00

I haven't felt abandoned by God for a while now; actually, I have sensed his presence and protection for the past several days. But there's been something incomplete about our relationship lately, even though I have been doing a lot of spiritual writing and have gone to him with great pain in my heart over different situations. I've been thinking of Jesus as a far away relative, maybe even a deceased relative in heaven, instead of as my Greatest Friend who is constantly with me.

I subscribe to Nicole Gausseron's theory that what Jesus really wants with us most of all is a relationship. I'm going to try to start thinking of him as always being right by my side and talking to him more during the day. I tend to shy away from him unless I feel like the way I'm good enough, but in The Notebooks of Nicole Gausseron he seems to suggest that he wants closeness with us no matter what. He wants us to know that he is a living person and wants us to direct more mental energy toward him than we do to any human being, thing or idea.

So today I will do something I frequently do - re-tool my relationship with God a little, and I'll see if anything changes in my life. Maybe I'll feel happier. Maybe I'll feel like I'm more in fellowship with him. Maybe I'll get courageous about something. Maybe I'll be more charitable.
Or, maybe nothing will change. As he would tell me if he talked to me as he talked to Nicole, do not seek change, seek the relationship. I will.

But Where Did The "Wendy" Come From?

2009-03-12T06:59:00.000-07:00

I wanted AllisonRhodes@gmail.com to be the e-mail address for my blog, but it was already taken. Allison.Rhodes@gmail.com was taken as well, and the suggestions Google was giving me for available e-mail addresses were heinous (I think one may have been AlliRhod384). Then I decided that since Allison Rhodes wasn’t even my real name, there was no reason why I couldn’t go ahead and tack on a faux first name as well. I chose the first three-name e-mail address that popped into my head, wendy.allison.rhodes@gmail.com. It didn’t take me long to realize what my new faux initials were: W.A.R.

W.A.R. I can’t think of more appropriate initials. Not only do they reflect the spiritual warfare I feel every single day, they also remind me of something I want to avoid – for my divorce to become a WAR.

Who is Allison Rhodes?

2009-03-12T06:50:00.000-07:00

Allison Rhodes is someone who needs to be able to express herself freely. When I decided a few months ago to write articles for the faith and health ministry I work for, I knew immediately that I wanted a pen name. I didn’t want life insurance companies, my children, ex-boyfriends or future employers Googling my real name and reading spiritual essays that did autopsies on my soul.

I started writing my first few articles while I was on short-term disability due to anxiety and anorexia, so I had plenty of time to choose a pseudonym. Nothing seemed right, though. At first I thought about the name Courtney since my mother had wanted to name me that but lost the battle. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that name; in fact, I love it, but if you met me you would clearly see that I am not a Courtney.

I ran through a mental list of all the names I’ve ever loved. Sarah. Julia. Abby. Kate. Melissa. Nicole. None of them fit me, and I started to wonder how I’d ever come up with a pen name I liked.

One sunny fall afternoon I was driving around and thinking about the fact that I had been living in spiritual and emotional darkness for a long time but that facing my depression and anorexia was slowly helping me to come out of it. Life’s problems were being put into perspective, and I seemed to be shedding the concerns that scared me, saddened me and pulled me down. Those were the thoughts that were going through my head when I heard these lyrics sung by the Gin Blossoms:

I’ve lost my mind
On what I’d find
And all of the pressure that I left behind
On Allison Road

And in an instant I knew who I would be whenever I wrote unflinching essays about my spiritual struggles: Allison Rhodes